To Keep You

Twenty-Nine: Malachi

Chaos.

Such a beautiful word with a dangerous meaning. Chaos itself is laced with darkness, there is no such thing as darkness without chaos. I suppose in a world of peace there must be chaos or life would simply be too boring to live.

In life we are given a choice, either live a peaceful life, a boring one where the sun shines always and happiness is more work than pleasure. Or make life interesting, and choose chaos.

And oh, I did.

Perhaps David and I had switched roles, he was now the angel and I, the demon. I certainly appeared like something possessed as I withered and twitched on the dirty floor of the barn. I whimpered and rolled from side-to-side as if struck by lightning and was riding the electric waves.

I wanted to be held so badly in that moment, to be picked up off the floor and carried away like some princess in a fairy-tale. I couldn't decide who was more the villain in my story, David the woman abuser, or my mind, the keeper of all my thoughts.

I was shivering, the cold seemingly had finally found a way to piece through my numb body. Through my heavy eyes, I could make out Davids looming form over me. His soulless eyes were clouded with emotions I could only assume were confusion and self-worriedness.

Through the cracks in the roof of the barn I could faintly see the glow of the falling snow, I felt so life-less as if the memory itself had stolen my soul from me and in a way, it did. As I did back then, I felt helpless. Helpless to avoid the chaos and helpless to escape the woman I was back then. Certainly, I am not she and she is not me. However, I am still not the woman I was before Ryder, and I don't think I will ever be her again. Too much time has lapsed, and I utterly have forgotten how to be her.

How sad, I have forgotten how to be me.

Or perhaps she wasn't me, just a part of me that existed for the simplicity of turning me into this shell of a bitter woman I have become. I'm not sweet like sugar therefore I must be as bitter as salt, and I'm not happy like the sun therefore I must be the hauntingly gloomily moon.

Maybe I'm not even human anymore, just a monster cursed to watch everyone I love die, somehow that seems more fitting than a woman drowning in shame, guilt, wrath, and above all else, hatred. I can blame God and love all day and oh I do. But they weren't the ones that turned their backs on Ryder when he needed the one person that was supposed to love him through sickness and in health.

As my eyes began to flutter shut, I realized I didn't want to die to be reunited with Ryder, I wanted to die because I wanted to finally be punished for my actions or rather lack of them...

Malachi's P.O.V

To my bones the air had frozen me, I could nearly feel it in my soul. Snow clung to my thick jacket and my boots had long since given up being dry as snow drifts filled them with the wet element with every other step. Without a lantern, we were merely making the trek down the mountain in the darkened woods on memory alone. And surely if our memories fail us, then at least one, if not both of us would be meeting Jesus' tonight.

It was a near white-out and I did my best to raise my coat to shield my face from the howling wind. If my memory was right, we were only minutes away from the farm, minutes away from reuniting with Candy. Oh, how I desired to take her into my arms and embrace her as if she were my world.

She is my world.

However, I knew she would kill me before I could even get one arm around her petit waist. She was small, in a mouse like way but she had talons like that of a tiger and roared like a mightily lion. Perhaps she was a kitten, my little fierce kitten.