Versailles Series Book 10: The Reporter [ONGOING]

CHAPTER 2

S A V A N N A H

I sighed as I sat on the toilet. I just got my period. It has been seven months since we got married and up until now, we weren't able to conceive a child. I placed my face on my hands as I cried out of frustration. I feel so pressured to bear a child even if it's just months after the wedding. Napatigil lang ako noong kumatok si Joshua sa pinto.

"Matagal ka pa ba? Inaantay na tayo nila Mommy." Base sa boses nito, mukhang wala nanaman ito sa mood.

I cleared my throat. "Oo, nandiyan na." I fixed myself before coming out. I looked at Joshua who was fixing his hair in the mirror. "I just got my period."

He closed his eyes and exhaled. "Ano bang bago." He walked out of the unit with me following him. The car ride was silent, as if another storm was brewing. It has always been like this whenever I got my period. Mas may tensiyon ngayon dahil pupunta pa kami kina Mommy. Panigurado tatanungin nanaman nila kami ni Joshua kung bakit wala pa kaming nabubuo.

"Kumusta naman kayo, Savannah?"

Ngumiti ako ng pilit sa biyenan ko. "Okay naman po kami, Dad."

"Magkakaroon na ba kami ng apo? Ilang buwan na kayong kasal, hindi ba? Bakit parang hindi niyo pa gusto magka-anak?" Magsasalita sana ako nang tumuloy sa pagsasalita ang biyenan ko. "Tinatanong na ako ng mga kumpare ko kung may pagpapasahan na ba ang anak ko ng apelyido namin. Joshua, wala ka namang problema 'di ba?"

Umiling ang asawa ko at binigyan ako ng makahulugang tingin. "Wala naman, Dad."

Bumaling sa akin ang biyenan ko. "Baka ikaw, Savannah? Nagpa-check ka na ba sa doktor?"

Tumango ako. I did, right after we got married. Sabi ng doktor ay wala naman kaming problema ni Joshua. Pero nakailang balik na ako sa doktor na iyon pero wala naman daw talaga kaming problema. Maging ito nga ay nagtataka na hindi pa kami nakakabuo.

"Eh kung ganun, kailangan niyo pang pag-igihan. Magbakasyon kayo. Baka na-se-stress lang kayong dalawa," sabi ng nanay ni Joshua. "Baka kailangan mo munang tumigil sa trabaho, Savannah. Wala namang masama sa pagiging maybahay."

Joshua's mother is a housewife and while that's far from my mother who is the editor-in-chief of our broadsheets, I still look up to her for nurturing Joshua into the man he is today. She chose to stay home to take care of her husband and son closely. Simula noong makilala ko ang mga magulang ni Joshua, iyon na ang laging sinasabi nila sa akin. Pakiramdam ko, gusto nilang maging ganoon rin ako. Naging malinaw naman ako kay Joshua na gusto kong magtrabaho dahil ayokong dumepende sa kanya.

"Mahal ko po ang trabaho ko, Mommy." I grew up in our printing factories ever since I was a kid. I spent most of my days in my mother's office reading the newspapers and magazines that we printed. It was through my parents that I learned how to write and deliver news properly. My father is an AM announcer so he gave me pointers on delivering news effectively.

Joshua always teases me that I'm a nepo-baby that's why I get promoted fast and all that. Unbeknownst to him, I sometimes read his stories and found them lacking most of the time. Every time I try to discuss it, it escalates into an argument. He accuses me of belittling him simply because I write better news stories than he does. I never realised how insecure of a man Joshua was until that happened. I always thought he was confident, a thing I admired the most about him. Turns out, he isn't and he's slowly changing by the day.

Two months later, I missed my period and when I did the pregnancy test, it turned positive. I told Joshua I was pregnant, and I'd never seen him so happy. Maybe a child is our saving grace. Maybe a child will fix everything wrong in our marriage.

That's what I thought. After three months, I miscarried. I thanked my mother for staying with me through it all. I let Joshua grieve on his own. Or that's what I thought. My mother comforted me, very far from the kind of treatment I got from Joshua's parents. Their words still rang in my head every damn night.

Bakit kasi hindi ka nag-ingat?

Sabi ko ng tumigil ka sa pagta-trabaho.

Iyan na nga lang ang magagawa mo para sa anak ko, hindi mo pa magawa ng tama.

Despite still grieving for a child that could have been my first one, I wanted my husband to be happy. The moment he wanted to try again, I let him, even if I wasn't ready yet. Even if my body was still healing and my heart still ached for losing a child.

We got lucky again after four months but like the first one, it didn't even go past the first trimester. Joshua slowly turned to alcohol.

The one time he got so drunk, he pushed me away.

"Putangina naman, Savannah. Gaano ba kahirap mabuntis, ha? Nagsisinungaling ka lang ba sa akin na wala kang problema? Sigurado ako na wala akong problema. Ano? Sabihin mo na sa akin kung may aasahan pa ba akong anak sa iyo!"

"Sinusubukan ko naman eh. I'm sorry, Joshua." I clasped my hands hoping he'll calm down before he could hurt me.

"Puro ka sorry. Kung mabuntis ka sana kaka-sorry mo, eh kahit mag-sorry ka sa akin kahit araw-araw. Umalis ka na nga sa harap ko. Naiirita ako sa mukha mo."

I cried myself to sleep each night. I prayed and prayed for me to bear a child already. My marriage is slipping from my fingers and I don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore.

I took an indefinite leave of absence because I started losing the drive to work. Even my superior says my work wasn't as good as before. Hinahayaan lang ako ni Joshua kahit na maya't maya ay pinaparinggan ako nito na nasa bahay lang at walang ginagawa,

I started waking up in the morning feeling useless and unproductive. Some days, I just sit in the corner looking at nothing. Gumagalaw lang ako kapag umuuwi ang asawa ko kasi nagagalit ito kapag wala pang nakahandang pagkain sa may hapag. Hindi na nga raw ako nagtatrabaho, hindi pa ako mapakinabangan sa bahay.

"Tigilan mo na nga iyang pagsisindi mo ng kandila. Hindi naman mabubuhay iyung mga batang hindi naman napanganak. Tigilan mo na iyan, Savannah."

Lighting up candles for the babies I lost was my way of coping. However, I grew tired of Joshua nagging me that I had to stop it eventually. The one time my parents visited me, they pushed me to get myself checked and it turns out that I was clinically depressed. They wanted to take me back home but I refused and said I wanted to make my marriage work. Hindi ako titigil hangga't hindi ko nabibigyan ng anak ang asawa ko.

Besides, going home meant they were right that I rushed into this. That Joshua isn't the right person for me. That I failed not only my parents but myself. It's the pride talking but honestly, it's the only thing that's keeping me from totally falling apart no matter how people find that difficult to understand.