ARE YOU HUMAN? OR AN ETHEREAL BEAUTY?

REALIZATIONS (AUGUST 11, 2024)

Yesterday, after my conversation with Sophia, I came to some realizations and posted them in a positivity Discord server:

"My win lately has been allowing myself to feel like a good person after years of feeling like I never will be sure of it (due to not understanding a specific thing that happened to me years ago that I only let myself start to fully process months ago).

I've also doubted my intelligence for a long time because of it, which was part of why I forced down those feelings so much. I value learning a lot, which was why it hurt so much. I just relied on other people to validate my intelligence for years before processing this, but nothing felt like enough even though I never told them. And I've sort of accepted now that back then, I wasn't actually as smart as I thought I was, even though I still liked learning, but I slowly became more of what I wanted to be. I sort of see being intelligent as taking knowledge from other people and adding to or twisting it. And once I tried to be more confident in my opinions and share them with people after this event, I learned to be more of that definition. I think now that I'm aware of my underlying standard and the painful truth that I wasn't who I said I was, I can try to become even more of what I want to be."

I also wrote these today in my Cluster B journal app called DayOne (as in, I use it to record my symptoms). I just want them to be all in one place here, because that's the purpose of this journal; To keep track of myself:

"I've been starting to accept that my 13 year old self was not as smart as I wanted to be then, even though I still liked learning and it hurts my ego to say that about myself, but I've become smarter as I learned to be more confident and now I've actually been writing a lot of very unique takes in my notes app, even though I still feel it's not enough to an extent.

I've also been trying to see my 13 year old self as kind, even though I tried to deny it for years. It's just Hiraeth did not see that part of me (like Hiraeth said), even when I tried to show it to Hiraeth. I also still think I was more self aware than most teenagers, even if I tried to repress my emotions so much.

But now, the things that keep really bothering me are Hiraeth saying I act like I'm special even though I act like the fake girls at Hiraeth's school and Hiraeth saying my problems are easy to solve if I actually do something, since I can control changing myself, even though I know Hiraeth was referring to my improvement problem specifically & I would be jealous too in Hiraeth's position (it's just frustrating, because how am I expected to change myself positively when I was always told by the neurotypical world that unrepressing my feelings or having them at all was dangerous). I'm not even sure what to do about these.

Not gonna lie I think the reason why the shit with Hiraeth hurt so much was not just because Hiraeth is the person I've hurt the most, but also Hiraeth actually feels like at least an equal or maybe superior still, intelligence wise at least. Like I honestly don't give a fuck anymore if I made Cricket uncomfortable while talking about Cricket, unless Cricket ruins my image to people by talking shit about what happened. But with Hiraeth, it's so much more. Hiraeth is like my deuteragonist, but never seen in 3 years.

I'm sorry for being a bitch in my account explanation, Hiraeth. I was only hurt, because I respected you so much and it felt like you took away my entire personhood. You are what I want to be. Kind, smart, and honest. I feel I've been becoming the first two the most with time and the third more than before as well, but the third is still very hard for me. I've kind of only just been processing all the trauma and masks from my entire life, never letting my guard down. I always wanted connection, a deep connection, something magical with someone, something to make up for growing up alone because of my autism & (suspected) ADHD, but I'm so afraid of people destroying my entire image and sense of self when I let them in."

SEPTEMBER 3, 2024: Looking back on this after seeing most of the messages between Hiraeth and I, I do think I was smart then, with Hiraeth even commenting on me saying I'm good in school and gifted (which I still am), just not as much as now and I stunted my own growth since after the first quarter of 2020 because of my own fears. I was holding myself back.