I have felt a strange peace lately after knowing I have become my true standard of smart (I feel growing up, I saw smart as just trying to learn things, but that never felt like enough for me. Now it feels like enough to use my knowledge to make new things, just like Hiraeth, just like why I admired Hiraeth; For being special) and that I always had a good heart despite it being hardened. It feels like the uncertainty I have felt, not just since Hiraeth left me, but my entire childhood is gone in these two areas. Well. Not really gone. I have a feeling I will still be insecure about these things, especially since I value them so much, but these past few days have been the first time since I was maybe... 9? Or even younger? Honestly do not remember when it started. That I can stomach being alone with my thoughts and not try to distract myself or dissociate without this overwhelming shame and loneliness. And even before 9, I always felt shame for my emotions, which I naturally lost as I learned about being Cluster B, autistic, and mad in general. I suppose the false ego is starting to disintegrate after I have found the root causes and logic behind everything. I do not think it will go away before I am 18 (in 5 months), especially since I still need attention and the past still hurts me (I have literally been crying all day today), with some parts still being unclear. I do not know if I will ever be honest like how I want to, but a weight is still lifted, like I have less to prove now, like I can float or begin to. I guess all those pop psychology bitches and even the so-called advocates who said narcissists can only heal in the therapy system that demonizes them at the same time were wrong. I still want therapy, but I know I am also capable of removing blockages with my own tools, helped by my community. At the end of the day, as people often say, therapy is not a cure yet it does give you the tools to help yourself. I was gifted those tools by my community, some who went to therapy and shared that while others were created on their own. Now, I would like a therapist more as a guide, not the cure I saw it as growing up even as I tried to use coping skills on my own and they began to work.
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ARE YOU HUMAN? OR AN ETHEREAL BEAUTY?
Non-FictionMy self learning journal; A place to record observations and ramblings about myself or my view of the world ❀ Expect random braindumps/vents, specific observations, and questions I ask myself. I will delete any sanist or otherwise bigoted comments B...
