ARE YOU HUMAN? OR AN ETHEREAL BEAUTY?

CONNECT (SEPTEMBER 25, 2024)

Something I've never seen anybody else talk about (other than people saying they feel lonely by hiding themself) that I wish people mentioned more was how the thing is that to connect with people, you kinda gotta be your own person first.

You can't feel close to people if you're creating a facade, which I mentioned I've heard people say already and I've experienced in the past. However, I mean even moreso that you need a life outside of people and you need to feel allowed to have your own thoughts or be able to sit alone with them; Think of if you actually believe them or if you just believe it because of other people & you have questions about what they say.

I always had a hard time feeling allowed to disagree with people growing up. I did get angry at people or dislike what adults & kids at school did to me, but that was either when I was younger and wasn't changing myself as much as I did around 6th grade (and even slowly before that by 4th grade) or someone else, even someone I watched online, was able to validate my feelings. Even for things like my sex repulsion, I had feminist media I grew up with or YouTubers I watched online, then eventually people online talking about asexuality. That all got really bad when I was in 7th grade (2019—2020) and by 2021, I had basically an ego death & felt determined to change for the better. I remember in 6th grade, I wrote in my old Questions journal that I felt people only liked me when I was funny and I wanted someone to have a meaningful relationship with. Back then, I saw my behavior as only the facade and to be fair, it mostly was. I still had a habit of feeling bad when I disagreed with a YouTuber online though, especially about people being emotional or sensitive. Then obviously, when I finally found real friends in 2020, I couldn't appreciate them, because of how bad my behavior became that year; How the facade grew, how much I felt dependent on what everyone said and became bitter when they did not validate me on everything, even people who I only met once compared to the opinions of my friends. And it only got worse when some of my friends made mistakes in fall of that year; Cherry & Aurelia (& I guess Cookie in the winter, but everything was already bad by then). It shattered me, even when other friends were there to pick me up and tell me my feelings are alright. Even when Hiraeth tried to help me...

I'll never forget Hiraeth. Hiraeth taught me that people really do want to love me. And just like what Hiraeth said happened to Hiraeth's younger self, people only hate you more when you become empty of yourself. I threw away Hiraeth and everyone else's attempts to really get close to me towards the end of that year. At least some of the people who knew me when the "not allowed to disagree" thing was less bad in spring & summer stayed with me, like Hajar and Aurelia. Though if I'm being completely honest, since we don't even talk much anyways, I'm not sure if I can forgive Aurelia for making me feel worse at my worst, even if it was still mostly my fault that I acted that way. I've wanted to tell her sometimes, but I don't know if it's even worth it. It's been 4 years and she's an adult now...

Also, I don't think you can be self aware or know what you like in friends until you actually have certain interactions with people. Maybe in theory, maybe in YouTubers you watch or colleagues you aren't close to, etc. etc. you enjoy a certain trait in people. Maybe your favorite trait in others is someone funny. Once you make meaningful friends though, you may find that being funny isn't enough for someone's interactions with you to be fulfilling. And once you interact with those meaningful friends or even any type of friend, you'll see more of yourself come out that wouldn't in private.

As people say, healing happens in relationships. IDK I kinda wish this was talked about, because I'll hear people talk about how you shouldn't lose yourself in others, but it's always framed in this way of it only hurting yourself and being a self care thing. They never mention how it hurts other people and how it also affects your goal of not wanting to be lonely. Like, when I was younger, I didn't give a shit about hurting myself, but I still wanted the things I wanted. If I couldn't get what I wanted, then I'd change my behavior. I didn't really give much of a shit about hurting myself at a time when I felt like I constantly deserved it though. The only moment that was remotely caring about myself was getting upset when I realized I don't even have a sense of self anymore, but that was because this thought caused me more hurt internally than anything before it. Plus, that feeling even more alone than ever and not getting that connection I want, even when I tried to please people and felt that would keep them close to me, helped there.