ARE YOU HUMAN? OR AN ETHEREAL BEAUTY?

PRIDE (AUGUST 30, 2024)

I did not mention it here yet, but on August 25th I started to look back at my old Discord messages to Hiraeth in chronological order. I was finally able to find our messages again after closing them years ago. I found them months ago when I was searching for a specific person I used to talk to that I wanted to reconnect to, but I mistyped her Discord name was "mush" when it ended up being "mishu". Then I found Hiraeth and I's old messages through "mush". I was too scared to look through them again back then, but now that I've been looking at my old messages to others from back then too, I thought it was only appropriate and I'd finally get closure for some things I may have forgotten or confused me why Hiraeth told me at the time.

So far, I've noticed that my messages from August to October were way more obnoxious than I remember, although my Quotev activities at the time were probably less so due to this being more private, while my messages from November and early December (I still need to get through the rest of December, then January) were nicer than I remember. I thought it was the other way around. I always saw November and December as when I was at my worst in the relationship, because it was when my idolization began to develop while at the same time I became more afraid of other people at the time. A lot of bad shit definitely happened in December and January, but so far (12/12) not that bad. November was actually pleasant, aside from some of my cringy traits back then and talking bad about people I knew to Hiraeth.

Maybe I will update on my overall feelings when I finish reading. I just wanted to note this.

One thing I definitely noticed immediately was the difference between my pride then V.S. now. I still feel I am better than others for my intelligence and to an extent, the amount of good that I do (Although, it's mostly my intelligence now). However, I was more... irritated? Had more animosity towards? People who did not think as deeply as me. I often called these people shallow, even though I was shallow too, not because I did not think deeply about serious issues, but more because I was unself-aware due to repressing my feelings and I hid my opinions from others due to fear of judgement. Like. It did seem like anger and hatred to an extent. Now, I only judge people who are not interested in leftists topics in that way, because I feel it will actually cause harm. Even then, I feel many of my friends only know the surface level of good beliefs to have and I feel superior from that, but there is no hatred. I have found people/other friends that I am able to have those conversations with thoughtfully though AND I feel confident in teaching what I think, so I think a lot of the hate came from my other issues at the time and feeling others did not value my thoughts.

I also find the people in my school, especially in the Honors (or AP this year) classes we share, to be extremely annoying and so easy for me to make fun of when thinking to myself, because they act so high & mighty about themselves when they're dumb as rocks. Everyone makes a big fit when they get lower than a 90% on homework, classwork, a quiz or test, etc. Ashton in Ms. Martini's class sophomore year got offended when Ms. Martini told her she may need to drop down to CP and others joined in to joke that she wasn't that smart anymore. One of the people that sit in the front row of Mrs. Piatelli's class last year, around where Ashton sat, whined that she wanted to stop reading Fredrick Douglass' biography, because it was "too sad" (she's white BTW. IIRC one of the blonde bitches here, but I lowkey forgot what she looked like exactly and I don't know her name). I also remember people constantly forgetting common litery or poetic devices like metaphor and simile or just getting messages in a book blatantly wrong against the themes, but I can't think of any particular example. I only remember when I was laughing in Ms. Martini's class at Lily Griffin's rough draft for the Catcher in the Rye essay, but part of that was also just how I've liked to tease the Griffins since we were kids. It was just how we interacted as friends growing up (or I guess "friends" as we were never that close; I felt like I never had real friends growing up in general until my online friends at 13). I do also think they are smarter than most people in our Honor classes though, or perhaps I'm just biased, because of our history together and they aren't mean to me like other people in my school.

At least when I've been in CP classes, like Spanish for freshman and sophomore year, everyone is more chill. Some people are too annoying or loud, but some people just talk to their friends quietly or they're just there, chilling. Like Shania in sophomore year. I miss Shania. I wish we became friends. She was so pretty, had such a calming voice, and friendly to me (#gay IK I KNOW WHAT I AM).