ARE YOU HUMAN? OR AN ETHEREAL BEAUTY?

LAST FIRST DAY (SEPTEMBER 3, 2024)

I wanted to make an entry just to vent before my first day of senior year tomorrow, because I have a feeling that a lot of shit is gonna come my way with the bitches there & schoolwork and I'm gonna be overwhelmed with that added to my current problems and not even remember things still bothering me now due to trying to ignore them, so yeah.

So I'm still trying to think of who I was that year that I was 13. I stopped reading my messages to Hiraeth at December 17th and haven't finished reading, which is a shame, because that's right before what I suspect is me acting the worst, but I was also avoiding it the past few days specifically because of that and how I'm not sure what feelings that will bring up for me. Plus, I was spending half of my days reading those messages and just wanted to take a break one day, but then the next day was when I was like, "How am I gonna jump back into this when the worst part is coming up?" I know I won't stop thinking about who I really was that year until I see everything and even then I'll probably take a lot of time to piece things together in my head. And now that school is starting, I know it will be harder to get the job done in peace. Whenever I'm really sad or lost in thought, I don't do well in school and that definitely showed during spring of this year when I was crying almost daily while writing my last entry, even though I now think the entry is outdated and I don't agree with a lot of stuff (as it was just me dumping my thoughts after years of not thinking about this). But also, I did spend these last few days looking into college stuff specifically and that was actually something bothering me, since I wasn't able to plan as much as I wanted to this summer (I wanted to practice writing essays, but I ended up just doing my normal writing things unrelated to that) due to processing my life lately. I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders now that I've gotten to all except one of the videos I saved for research and I was actually able to write down free essay ideas aside from the sole practice essay I already started in spring of this year (It's one on my experiences as an aromantic woman; I was planning to title it "The Violence of Love" if that gives a hint about the tone).

Also, today I found someone really cool on this penpal app I use called Slowly. She messaged me, because she said my bio was relatable and she was also autistic. I liked how friendly she seemed (She actually mentions that she acts friendly to compensate for her autistic traits) and she used a lot of cute emoticons and just seemed very open. That was exactly who I was looking for when getting that app, but a lot of people that sent me letters so far seemed boring or if not, at least someone I can't hold a conversation with well, especially once a week. I have to remind myself to reply tomorrow and I hope she ends up actually being interesting to talk to. While I was on the app today, I also updated my bio to include more subtopics for the topics I selected and made my description look prettier.

Then, I found this website called Portuguese Pod 101 through a YouTube ad. It just seems like a basic language learning app, but I made an account due to it having PDF worksheets avaliable and when I looked at the lesson plans, there were topics that I hadn't seen before on other apps and just seemed less basic to me, so I wanted to try it out.

I said it earlier, but I am genuinely nervous for school starting. This is my last year. I've heard senior year is always the most stressful due to college admissions and this is the same year that I decided to take my first AP class, Environmental Science, and my only study would be Science Research, which is basically a study half of the time and I know due to taking the club for it last year. Then, I'm gonna have to deal with my bullies from school and now I have new bullies, because Carly & Molly from sophomore year don't like me anymore and now they're pretending they're still my friend while obviously making fun of me.