Up and Down, Around and Around

The Dark Five Year Plan

[⚠️Trigger Warning: Dark, depression, suicidal thoughts.]

I did make a five year plan.
Once.

When I was younger,
I didn't realize how much I went through.
Or how much it hurt.

Until I got pushed to far.

</3

Through everything,
My dog was there to keep me company.
To stay together in the dark place.

He was my Lucky charm.
A mutt named Lucky.

He kept me going.
Until they ripped him away from me.

All that trauma slowly got realized.
The pain came.

I was to young for this!?
Why did I feel this way!?

No one noticed.
No one helped.

I wasn't ready for depression.
I wasn't for the thoughts.
The pain.
The fear.
The loneliness.

Rotting away everyday.
Sitting in a dark room,
Filled with pain.

Teachers slowly noticed something off with me.
But did they step in!?
Fuck no.

My family didn't even bother to talk to me.
Let alone ask how I was.

I had lost my dog.
Lost my Luck.
Lost my love.

Yet a cat changed that.
At least slightly.
His bright blue eyes sparked something.
But was it to late?...

///////

I never told anyone.
But one day.
I did make a plan.

Running away didn't work.
To chained down.

Breakdowns just scared people.
Outburst weren't allowed.

So it got harder and harder.

Then suddenly,
I knew what my plan was.

At first it was just 3 or 4 year plan.
But it's turned into a 5 year plan now.
And it's almost over.

I'm almost over.

I promised to stay.
But why do I have to?
Why is it bad to leave?
Why must I stay!?

Why can't there be good change?
Happiness?
Peace?
Love?...

After so long.
I was lost.

Sobbing uncontrollably,
Everyday.

Having suicidal thoughts,
In school.

Being in a deep hole.
No way out.
No help.
No love.

I was thirteen!
Why did I feel that kind of pain!?
I wasn't alright.
Having suicidal thoughts on the daily.

It was to much.
But I promised to stay for him.
For Lucky.

He was just a mutt.
A tiny, noisy, chihuahua like dog.
But he was all I had.

He was only about 4.
So I promised.
To myself.
And to him.

To stay four more years.
I tried so hard.
So much happened.

And now I'm suddenly, here.

How did this happen?
How did time fly?

I don't even care.
It hurts to think about how bad it was.

But some days...
Get so hard.

Why can't I just get help?
Why?...

My cat had helped me through all the other sudden struggles.
But then,
He was taken too.

Only 4 too.

So.
I made another promise.
I added another year to the plan.

For him.

But now...
It's almost over.

I'm trying to make it.
There's things I want.
There's things to live for.
But...

Once I complete my five year plan...

What else is there?

🦋⛰️🌄🌦️🕊️

I've been trying.
I made it this far.
I survived all that.

But what now?
What do I even do now?

I can't handle- this life.

So I distract myself.
Out of sight, our of mind.
Rotting away.
Useless.
Pointless.
Venting.
Ranting.
Listening to music to tune out the world.

Daydreaming of a better place.

🌄🕊️❤️‍🩹

~~~~~

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