Hanni
Sometimes I just wished it didn't have to hurt this much. Loving someone shouldn't hurt like this. Why was my heart squeezing in pain? Why did my breathing have to fasten?
And it was all because I would see Minji across the hallway. The slightest bit of eye contact just shattered my being and soul. I wanted to run to her and beg her to get back with me because I couldn't deal with it anymore.
I want her by my side.
We promised forever, where was that forever now? Minji wasn't with me anymore and I was once again alone. Minji was suffering more than me, it shouldn't even be like this.
And I completely hated knowing that I broke her heart, even if she tried to hide it the best she could from me. Haerin definitely made sure I knew, in hopes that I would change my mind and go back to Minji.
But Gaeul won't allow that. She's all over Minji now like crazy. And sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake. If I gave Gaeul the easy win.
I don't even remember eating a proper meal in days. When I'm not in school, I just rot in bed as I cry while looking at all the pictures I took with Minji. She was truly so beautiful.
Graduation was two weeks away, and I don't even feel like going, I want to talk to a counselor and lie my way out of walking that stage. I don't think I'll be able to see Minji and not run to her.
I'm devastated and I've tried so hard to hide it. But my break up with Minji has circulated the whole school and now it's all that people talk about and it's exhausting me.
I hear Gaeul's name slipping people lips always and rumors that she was the reason I broke up with Minji and people have been bashing me like crazy because of it.
Like I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to hold on to her! As if my self blame wasn't enough to throw me under the bus.
And my mom had already started to try and set me up with strangers, and that's overwhelming me the most. Not even Minji's parents that text me every second of the day to take Minji back, or to run away with her, overwhelm me.
Not even Hyein who begs me to see her again everyday.
I can't even lie and say I didn't get attached to Minji's family, because I did. They made me feel so welcomed and loved. I see where Minji gets her amazing way of being from.
Not even standing in front of Minji overwhelmed me. Not even when my heart was shattering with the way her soft eyes were looking at me. A part of me wishing she could hate me because it'd be better that way.
I'd prefer to see that hatred in her eyes than see all the love I let go of. I fucking hate myself.
"Don't look at me like that." I begged with a heart breaking plead as Minji took a step closer to me. I don't even know how we managed to find each other in the empty gym.
"Hanni, it hurts to see you like this." She said softly as if afraid of hurting me by speaking any louder. And I won't even deny that I'm already a sobbing mess as I tried my best to hold on for dear life and not fall on my knees.
"Minji, please." I don't even know what I was begging for anymore. My mom has threatened me to hurt Minji if she's seen anywhere near me. That's the main reason I broke up with her, I didn't want her to get hurt.
I've been trying so hard to avoid Minji but it just seemed impossible with how me and Minji seemed to be magnets that pull towards one another always.
"Hanni, stop running away from me." She said. Taking another step, and I wanted to move back. I didn't want to fall in to her arms and never want to let go again. "We promised to not do that, you said you wouldn't!" Minji said with tears in her own eyes.
I hated it, make it stop!
My legs were growing weaker with every whiff of Minji's scent that I got and I just wanted her to hold me. I don't think I can hold myself together for much longer if she keeps coming closer to me.
I feel lost, I don't recognize myself, and that's on the worst way possible. And I know that Minji noticed it too.
"Hanni, look at me." She kept trying to get my attention but I couldn't find myself to look at her. I don't know what to do, if I tried running I'd only fall to the ground.
I kept sobbing as Minji took a full step forward, standing right in front of me. Causing me to look up at her and see those pretty brown eyes that had such pained tears threatening to fall.
I felt one of her arms wrap around my waist as the other held my cheek so gently. As if she would break me with one wrong touch. "Stop hurting yourself this way. You don't think Danielle tells me what going on with you?" I let out a sob as I let my forehead rest against her chest.
I could feel Minji kissing the top of my head. "I don't know why it is that you run away from me, why it is that you avoid me as if I was the plague. But I need you to know that I'm always here for you. Don't be scared to be in my arms even if it's just for comfort." She whispered as she inhaled my scent.
I inhaled her scent too and it only took me back to so many nights with her. Where we'd give each other our all and love each other until we could no longer move. To where she'd hold me so tightly as she told me stories about when she was an infant.
To a place where it was just us.
"I love you so much, Hanni. You're breaking my heart. Look at you, you don't look okay." And I wanted her to stop before I kissed her and let her have me for one last time. One last memory of the love that was robbed from us.
"Minji, stop. Please, have some mercy on me." I said as I gripped on to her shirt and fisted it. Tugging slightly, causing Minji to lean forward a bit more. My eyes were sealed shut as I tried my best to not look back up.
"No, Hanni. You have some mercy for me. Don't break me apart this way. You broke up with me, and that's fine. But this? I can't stand seeing you loose weight and act as a body without a soul. Take mine and bring your life back, Hanni. But don't do this to me." She said.
"I'm loosing myself for you, I can't stand it anymore. I want you but I can't have you. You run away from me as I chase after you. You deny me when I reach out. But you're hurting yourself like that, because I know you want me the way I do, you don't want to run away from me, and you definitely don't want to deny me." And that was enough to take all strength away from me.
If I didn't fall it was because of Minji's hold on me. Never letting me fall.
"Don't do this to us." She whispered agaisnt my hair as she kissed my temple. I could hear her quiet sobs and it only made me blame myself even more.
And maybe the whole reality came crashing down on me.
What was I doing?
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Poor Hanni...
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