That Fine Line

Chapter 20 (Part 2) - Vengeance

As the repressed memories came pouring into my mind--the Peacekeepers breaking in to take away my father, our public escort out of the Capitol and into the Districts, my mother blaming me for my father's disappearance and my brother's abandonment of us--tears began to trickle uncontrollably down my cheeks.

"You don't even recognize me, do you? I've changed so much since the day you'd gotten us banished from the Capitol. The callouses all over my hands and feet. The roughed skin that used to be porcelain smooth. The short, plain hair that was once a silky waterfall. All because of you," I seethed viciously. Saying this reminded me of my self-hatred, and it made me feel even worse about myself and angrier with Finnick.

"You greedy harlot. You just had to come in and ruin my life for absolutely no reason. What did my family ever do to you? Nothing. But because you wanted a few extra stacks of hundreds, you decided to work for Snow and expose my father. And look where you are now! A rebel. How dare you join a rebellion when you were the one who condemned my father for treason! The irony! You hypocrite. I hate you so much. I hate everything about you. You're such a horrible person.

"I can't believe I thought for even a second that you weren't entirely the evil person I thought you were. You know, I almost fell for you, even. But I was just confused from all the traps you'd set to lure me in, distracting me from the fact that you are the one responsible for the last four wretched years of my life."

I prepared myself to draw the blade across his neck.

"Drop the knife if you want to live."

Whipping my head to the sound of the voice, I found Katniss ready with her bow aimed straight at my temple. But she'd gotten it all wrong. I no longer valued my life. All that mattered was killing the man in front of me.

"Shoot the arrow and I'll slit his throat before I fall," I shot back, smiling.

"Y/N," Finnick croaked shakily, "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't know."

Renewed tears spilled over my cheeks. I pressed the knife even harder against his skin. "You're sorry? 'Sorry' doesn't bring my father back. 'Sorry' doesn't fix my life. 'Sorry' doesn't mean I will ever let you live and get your happy ending. Even if you gave me all that money you got from Snow for that little act of patriotism, I still wouldn't forgive you."

Finnick's fearful eyes grew watery. "I didn't do it for the money. He made me do it. He threatened me. With my family. With my loved ones. With Annie."

I stopped. "What?"

"All of my 'customers', they don't pay me with money, Y/N. They pay me with information. Information that Snow wants. And if I don't comply, then he'll torture and kill the people I care about. I wouldn't have done any of it if he'd simply threatened me with my life. But I can't let other people suffer because of me. I don't do it by choice. Trust me, you don't want to know what I've experienced with so many of these depraved people. The wealthier they are, the worse. That's why I try to forget. 

"I'm sorry I did that to you and your family, Y/N, I really wish I didn't. Your father fought for the Districts, and it's the same cause I'm fighting for. I understand if you want to kill me anyway. Just promise me you'll stick to our alliance with Katniss and Peeta because they're our only chance to stop these Games once and for all. It's what your father would have wanted. 

"You're still young. So escape this arena and live the better life that you deserve."