Pain of Love - Tom Kaulitz

Things I'll Never Say

"So, there's a party at Anna's tonight," I explain, pushing around my peas with the end of my fork as I stare at the plate.

"And I'm assuming you want to go?" I pull my head up at the sound of my mother's soft voice. She picks up her glass of wine, smiling coyly at me.

My eyes brighten, sensing a hint of lenience in her tone. "Can I? It's her eighteenth and--"

"She only wants to go cause Dean will be there," Nick cuts in, putting an unnecessary emphasis on Dean's name.

"Oh, shut up! I do not!" I retort, shooting a glare at my brother. I turn to my parents once more, who are both suppressing a grin at Nick and I's quarrelling. "Ignore him."

My dad frowns in thought, placing his elbows on the table. "I don't know, Lily. Your exams are coming up, aren't they?"

"Exactly my point. It'll be the last party before my A-Levels," I continue, internally groaning at the idea of my exams. "C'mon, please? I promise I won't go out again until they're over."

"I think it's a great idea, darling," my mother agrees suddenly, a dismissive shrug on her shoulders. "Don't be so uptight, Gabriel. Let the girl live."

He lets out a sigh, finally giving in. "Alright. Just--at least try and come home early?"

"I will, I will," I smile, trying to contain my excitement as we all stand up, preparing to clean the table. "Thank you guys, you're the best. Oh, and before I forget, are you both able to make it to the parent teacher thing on Monday?"

My mother carefully places her plate into the sink to wash it. "Don't be silly, darling. Of course we can't."

I frown, looking between my parents in confusion. "Why not? Are you going to New York again?"

She pauses, her back still facing me as she speaks softly, the kitchen now covered in a sudden silence. "No, Lillian."

"Then why--"

"Because we're dead, remember?"

A panic washes over me, a creeping chill that snaking its way into my bones at her words. "I--what? But, you're right here." I step forward, placing my hand on her shoulder to spin her towards me. I'm no longer met with the warm smile that usually graced Monica Claremont's lips, her face now pale, eyes hollow as she gazes straight ahead.

"Mum? Are you okay? You're scaring me." I shake her, watching the life drain from her face, her body no more than an empty vessel.

"You could've saved us."

Their voices ring in my ears incessantly, bearing a dreadful reminder of the night that changed my life forever. A darkness covers my eyes, the world around me a black veil.

"But you weren't there."

I try to scream.

"Why weren't you there?"

The darkness consumes me, so dark that my hands have now vanished.

"I'm here, I'm with you, I'm--" I'm back where it all started, standing over their bodies.

Dead. Two gunshots in place of where their hearts should be. 

It's happening again.

I drop to my knees, tears streaming down my face. Trembling, I place my hands over their wounds. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry dad, I should've stayed home like you said—"