Pain of Love - Tom Kaulitz

I Refuse to Let Him Win

*LILLIAN'S POV*

I didn't tell my brother or Roxy about the interaction between Tom and I. Even when they asked me about it, I kept my mouth shut on the matter.

And I sure as hell won't be informing Ashton either.

I hadn't even realised how much time had passed until I had pulled away from Tom's embrace.

"What took you so long? We were worried." They had asked me.

I stayed silent for a couple beats before responding. "I lost track of time." I told them. It wasn't a complete lie, I truly had lost a sense of time.

I just decided to keep the fact that half of that time was spent being wrapped in the arms of Tom Kaulitz, to myself.

And that I had witnessed an illegal business transaction between him and Silas Crenshaw.

Or that seeing such a thing had resulted in me having a panic attack.

The matter was dropped fairly quickly, however, and it was not mentioned for the rest of the night thankfully.

Don't ask me why I chose to keep this to myself because I could not tell you.

I also can't explain why the only thing occupying my mind as of now is last night. More specifically the events that occurred in that alleyway. With him.

I can't stop thinking about how he had grabbed my wrist. The complete and utter rage in his caramel eyes had turned my legs to jelly. I don't know what came over me, provoking a mafia leader like that, he could have easily killed me. I just felt so enraged about the whole situation, and seeing him again had triggered something within me.

He was furious. I could see it in his eyes, so void and unfeeling. If that was the case, why had he switched up so quickly when he saw me in such a state? Why had he comforted me, caressed me, and acted as though he cared?

I know for a fact he did not. That much was obvious when he marched off to find another girl to screw as soon as he realised I wouldn't be the one to satisfy his needs.

Though, I can't deny the way he made me feel was something that I hadn't felt in a long time. The way my heart raced, the way my stomach twisted into a knot, it was so.. foreign.

And I liked it.

I hate that I liked it.

"Fuck." I groan to myself, bringing a pillow from my bed up to my face. Why am I thinking this?

I sigh and decide I have been moping around in bed for far too long. I pull back the soft covers and wince slightly as the cold penetrates my bare legs.

I head to the kitchen after freshening up and see Nick and Ashton at the kitchen, and a hungover Roxy curled up on one of the cream sofas with a blanket wrapped tightly around her. I chuckle at the tiresome expression on her face.

Roxy had stayed at ours last night by request of Ashton who claimed she was 'too shitfaced' to make the journey back to her own home. I hadn't thought anything on it at the time, but looking at the state she's in now, it's safe to assume Ashton was correct.

"Morning." I say to no one in particular as I waltz over to the fridge to pull out some milk.

"It's 1:30, Lils." Ashton jokes, looking down at the nonexistent watch planted on his wrist. I roll my eyes and give him the finger before reaching for a bowl in the cabinet next to the fridge.

"How you feeling, Rox?" I ask over my shoulder as I sort myself a bowl of cereal.

"Shut up." She groans back in response. She chuckles slightly while bringing a weak hand up to her forehead to nurse her pounding headache.