Let the church say Amen.

14.

2021 (covid is non-existent.)

Kierra Valencia Sheard:

I sat in my car, tears rolled out of my eyes as I tried to recover as quickly as possible so if someone comes to fetch me from outside I'm not caught crying.

Taking out my small makeup bag , I looked over my rear view mirror so I fix myself. I'm home so there's no need to reapply I just need to not look crazy really

After I was done, I took out my car keys, and I took my bag so I can get inside the house...

I was tired, I was drained and home wasn't really peaceful... it wasn't what I imagined my life would be , it wasn't the happily ever after I signed up for but I would convince myself a lot of times that it's not that bad which it really wasn't.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

"Hey baby" he greeted, as I got inside the house I got off my shoes off , then placed my bag on top of the table stand and I walked to him.

Getting closer to him my hands eventually held his face and I gave him a quick peck on the lips, "Hey " I softly say to him

He looks at me with all the love in his eyes causing me to smile really "what?" I ask him blushing and Jordan just looks at me like he's admiring every single part of my face.

"I missed you" he said, he grabbed my waist, causing me to chuckle... he's so sweet to me.

"I missed you too bae" I said to him.

His head dived into me after placing it on my stomach and I rubbed it gently, "you cooked?" I ask him furrowing my eyebrows. "No, your mom did" Jordan said and I nod.

"You know, I still don't think she likes me very much" he adds ,

If only he knew, my mom doesn't like Jordan at all! Not even a little, maybe as a human being but really that's just about it.

My dad on the other hand... if he could take him in as a son... who am I kidding ? He already did, my father was delighted when I told them about Jordan, he was ecstatic .

My Nana died in 2019 because of health complications, it was the most difficult time for everyone in my family , and I knew that my father was going to have it rough.... because that was his mom you know.

Nana's death took me places I never thought I'd see me ever going... my spiritual journey ended, and later that year I went to a camp... it was a conversion therapy camp.

After my Nana's death, Koryn and I clashing- I started seeing Koryn again maybe a year after Erica and I broke up.

We didn't work, and I realise we never would... it was best for her and I to just stay away from each other and pitch to see each other after some years because really I did love her , she was my first but it only had to be that... a past.

We weren't meant to be anything more than that and it killed me when I had to accept that, it killed me to a point where I had broke down in front of my father one time because really I missed my dad.

He and I had a talk and he showed me how I really didn't belong with any of these girls because I was trying to mask how uncomfortable I was in sin so much.

He helped open my eyes, advised me that if I was to start feeling different about my sins then I really had to change them, stick to my faith in which I really did.

Conversion therapy helped, it helped understand better why I had the feelings I had. For me personally the therapist there explained to me that it was because of how I idolized my mom as a little girl, how I longed for her to love me the same, give me the same love and attention.