The Compendium

"You told me, but then..."

... I forgot what you meant.

And deep inside, you forgot too.

Hi. Do you remember me?

The person you chose to pester—I mean, befriend. You were quite the stubborn human being who never stopped sending me your amateur poems. It's quite a long time now but, I can still vividly remember every single moment of stupidity we did. The potions we tried to make thinking we could be some sort of magical witches, the stories we shared and poems we wrote, the laughters and the banters. The happiness was pure and innocent as much as the little back stubbings that led me to realize, you were the kindest human being I could ever become friends with.

What happened?

You were the sunshine that dragged me out of the cave. Taught me how to smile, to appreciate people, to open up.

I was late to realize you could also teach me real heartbreak.

I ran away from love. I don't want to break my heart.  I thought I was saving myself from risk. I was happy. I was sure I would never end up in tears and regret. But I didn't understood the depth of the truth that love can exist in many ways.

Friendship can break you too.

You were drifting away. And somehow I understood. I know myself beneath this skin. Hollow, cold, stormy—it is always nighttime in my head. You were sunshine. Always kind and laughing even in pain.

Water and oil will never mix.

Science taught me that. Opposites attract? Not always. One will always end up in pain.

I don't know.

Is it me? You? Maybe it's the both of us. And it is starting to wear me down. Little by little. Perhaps we weren't as compatible as friends as I thought we would be.

I'm hurting.

You call me "bestfriend" like you were calling a stranger. Somehow, I think you were calling me bestfriend only for the sake of having someone you can call one. I do feel that.

"Bestfriend."

Can a word so simple lose its meaning too? You look around and you start calling all of them your bestfriend. You tell me I'm different. Really?

Because I don't feel you in your words.

They were—empty. You have forgotten I am not blind. They call you and you go in haste. Like your feet is on fire. I talk to you and you give me your short feedback. Nothing more. I ask you for a short time and you turn away, busy.

You were my only bestfriend.

I thought you were my confidant. My partner in crime. The sister that I never had. Maybe I was wrong? You promised me you'd be the first person to read all of my stories and poems. But now, I let random people see my soul and you don't even know it. You promised me we'd be there together until the end.

No. You lied. And I lied too. We are even.

I said I was fine, but, I wasn't.

I laughed and pushed aside the pricking feeling in my chest everytime you chose to be with someone who is easier to get along with. Am I that hard to understand? Getting tired of my stormy mood? I'm sorry I wasn't a church person.

Was that the reason?

It is me and my villain side who pushed you away. I hated heroines anyway. You were the only heroine I'd accept.

But it turns out, you were just like all of them.

And I couldn't help but feel angry at myself and to you. But I couldn't hate you long enough to replace my hurt for this crumbling bridge. It feels like I am an island again. Alone in the middle of the sea listening to the sad music that is the silence. You are sorry for me. I can see it.

I am sorry for my self too.

If only you knew.

You have given a lot for this friendship. I know. I saw it with my own eyes. But I should tell you that I have sacrificed too.

A big part of me. My heart.

I opened it for the world to break. Didn't I? Maybe you didn't saw that. I changed myself to fit your personality. If only I didn't. I wouldn't have to be vulnerable with these awful feelings. I want to say I regret it. But, I would be lying. I don't deserve a real friend, it seems. I only break them apart.

Hero and villain together is a catastrophe.

You know, I have learned to depend on others that I have forgotten how to be independent. I've always thought I could bend the world and then you lend your hand and told me, I don't have to be alone in it. I have always thought I would have you to run to when I'm drowning in my sorrows. But you hid your sorrows from me and sought solace in somebody else. So I kept my pain and nursed it. Now, it is eating me. I am your friend, am I not? Don't you trust me?

Maybe, no.

Talking to you now is like climbing a stiff wall. I don't know if I should just kept sliding down and away or keep climbing. Maybe it is better this way. Maybe it is high time to accept the truth that you were a passerby too. That I was meant to learn how to open my heart to other people from you—and you were meant to leave and teach me one more thing.

That the greatest heartbreak comes from those you care about too much.
That nobody stays.
That nothing is permanent.

People come and go.

I guess, so are you. #

© astaire_grey

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(Credits to the owner of the picture)