The Torture Of Being In Love [Dohwan/Hwanyoung)

Chapter 19: Nothing

1 month later

The ticking of the clock could be heard echoing in the room. It was dark; the curtains were drawn. A light draught from outside moved a few strands of Doyoung's hair.

He was sitting on his bed, staring at the floor, staring into space. The sound of the clock didn't bother him, not any more anyway. He wasn't moving, as if in some kind of trance. It was like he had lost mobility as if he were destined to remain motionless on his bed.

At that precise moment, Doyoung was thinking of nothing, or rather of nothingness. The concept of nothing. A gaping hole that eats and has eaten everything around it. It eats so much that you get the impression that there's nothing around you any more. Everything seems far away, unreachable. We lose our senses, all 5 of them. We can't hear anything, because everything is so far away, we've gone deaf. We can't smell anything, because even if we did, it would take too long to get there. Everything that once seemed so close now seems so far away. Everything recedes into the distance or even evaporates in the worst-case scenario. And with that comes the loss of touch. You can't try new things, you repeat the same things over and over again. Lassitude sets in, weighing you down, crushing you in its path.

And finally, you lose your sense of taste. That's the worst of all, nothing has any meaning any more. Wouldn't one of the worst things in the world be to do things without a goal, without anything in return? If it were only material it would be fine, but if we're talking about emotions... it's not fine any more. Imagine feeling nothing but this constant weight next to your heart. Not being able to get your brain to react to anything. Being alone, in your own body and in your own soul.

To imagine that would be impossible, it doesn't happen very often. It's rare for someone to feel this bad. To understand it, you have to experience it.

Being born with it is sad. To have had the impression throughout your life that all you feel is bland, that all you produce is bland. It happens, and it's inexplicable. You can blame it on bad luck, of course. Doyoung was very unlucky.

Depression goes away, then comes back, then goes away again... then comes back as if it were following an infernal cycle. It's hard to get rid of it because it's sometimes hard not to find comfort in it. If it's been around for a long time, the habit has already taken its place in the individual, and it's much easier to just carry on living with it.

And that's what some people do, live blissfully. Doyoung understands this because that's what he's been doing until now. But there always comes a point of no return, when you make a decision. Whether to live with it or not. Sometimes things are simpler than they seem. The only problem is time. The interminable wait to get better and hope one day to be cured.

When Junghwan came into his life, he immediately realised that something had changed in him. It was the little things that had changed in his day-to-day life. He took less time to get up in the morning, he liked to go out more and take care of himself. It was good... for a while.

You can't rely on one person, and Doyoung had begun to understand this when he started dating Junghwan. A person shouldn't be the only reason you get up, eat, sleep and live. That's all about survival, not living.

It's hard to accept that: the fact that you're not getting better when you really thought you were. You don't solve a problem as deep and as attached to a person's soul by falling in love. It's a nice feeling, of course, and that's what Doyoung had told himself, but it's not possible over the long term. It will always come out. What isn't treated properly will stay there, close to you, waiting.

That's why Doyoung was sitting on his bed that evening. He knew, deep down he knew very well what was waiting for him. He could feel it coming back little by little, that things were getting further away by the day. Even though Junghwan was holding his hand to bring him closer to things, his fingers slipped between his.

He got up slowly from his bed and walked over to his window to lean against it. It was pitch black, and you couldn't really see the stars because of the pollution and the city lights, but it was still nice to look at.

Doyoung: "For me, for him, but especially for me..." he said.

A tear rolled down his cheek, just one since he'd already been consumed by this 'nothingness' for a month. Deep down he was very sad, but Doyoung clung to the idea that one day everything would get better. He hadn't been born for this, he didn't want to be born to stay like this.

He took his phone out of his pocket and clicked on Junghwan's phone number to send him a message. It was late, so he would probably read it in the morning. Doyoung spent a few moments watching the contact's name appear on his phone, unable to find the words. Finally, he decided to write: "I need to talk to you, it's important. See you tomorrow by our bench. Kisses."

He'd done it. The message had been sent. He put his phone down on his desk and crawled into bed, hoping to get some sleep.

The next morning-Junghwan

He had received the notification in the morning when he switched on his phone. A dry, meaningless message. He didn't want to worry, but it was already too late and his stomach was hurting. Junghwan's only option was to wait. Miserable waiting.

Hey everyone, I'm back ;))) 

I hope you all had a great summer <333 and that you liked this new update. (if you did please like and comment it always makes me happy ;) )

On a sadder note, I assume you've all read the news about Junghwan's father. It's an extremely sad situation, I can't imagine his pain at losing his father so young. I'm sending him all my support and I hope he manages to move on someday. Sending prayers. 

(AN: English isn't my first language)