Broken Ties (EN)

(9) Truths Revealed

I get in the UBER back to Christ Churh and, by great coincidence, it's the same driver who brought us to the hospital. Concerned to see me crying, he asked me what was wrong, if the boy who was coming with us was okay. I said yes, he would recover, it was just a phase in his life. I was trying to internalize this idea myself, but I didn't believe my own words. I believe he'll change, I put my faith in a person I don't know. He's like this partly because of me. I tried to hold back the tears as I talked about him, but the truth was that it was very difficult to think straight. My first official day at school was coming to an end, the street was a beautiful sunset and the storm had stopped. But my inner storm was still here. Somebody Told Me by The Killers was playing on the radio, an upbeat song that contrasted with my sadness.

Maybe Sarah's right, it's best to get away...? We share the same room, it's impossible to get away from her, but if she lives with him every day, it's almost impossible to break our ties and relationships. Yes... I could become a mere visitor who comes into the room, sleeps and goes out and spends all my days in the garden, reading Nicolas Sparks. I can do everything I can to be with Anna, when I get out of school I can go straight to the sports section and the group that I thought...was going to be my group of friends here, won't be any more. How can my mentality go from eight to eighty, in the morning I thought one thing and now in the afternoon I'm thinking another. This is a complete turnaround in my life, living in a different place and socializing with new people I don't know is difficult, to say the least. Perhaps limiting myself to just studying, focusing on sleeping and repeating is the main goal, and the way to have a profession. Building an academic life based on responsibility and study, cutting off all new relationships and friendships. I'd like to have a group of friends, yes! I'd like to join a club, I'd like to go out at night, I'd like to... But I've seen that I'm a pain in Sarah's ass, and I must be to her friends too.

How is it possible to have so many people at one moment, and the next seem to have no one. It's really hard, the bitch of life. How hard it is to have the courage to wake up every morning, wash your face, gain the motivation to be someone in life?

I arrive at Christ Church, say goodbye to the driver, who says "everything will be fine" and I smile back.

For a moment, I'm traveling through completely absurd thoughts. I imagine myself living in Portugal, the country my mother fled. If she hadn't run away... I would have grown up with my maternal grandparents, whom I never got to know. Over the years we've been in London, my mother has had very little contact with them. She's promised me that one day she wants to go back there, for a family trip. She says she misses the smells, the food, the weather and the peace. She says that the small village where they live is a bit isolated and that there are few lines of communication, and very limited network access abroad. When it's their birthday she always calls to congratulate them on another year of life, we speak every year, I only know their voices.

My grandparents never agreed 100% with our impulsive departure from the country, but my mother was very afraid of the monster that pursued her. If my parents' family accepted me!? I'd be happy! Far from all the problems I have now, I'll never know...
I feel like it's a hot night, but I'm thankful I'm wearing a warm sweater, because the wind is picking up, and I feel my cell phone vibrating.

# Incoming call from Edward

"- Yes" - I answer this time calmer, but my voice is still hoarse from crying.

"- Roxy, are you all right?" Edward asks from my side and my tears stubbornly fall again, how nice it is to hear a familiar voice.

"- Yes Ed. I could be better" - I answer in a low voice as I lean against the electricity pole where Zac was hours ago, and let my body fall slowly to the ground, in exactly the same position as the boy who stayed in hospital.