A Dream and A Bonus || BANGCHAN

51. "At least we had protection."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." I shook my head, and he nodded.

"Neither did I. I couldn't stop you. I didn't want to. And plus, it's mostly mine." His voice was a whisper as we both looked up from the stain.

"At least we had protection." I joked, and he smiled weakly.

"That's what it would look like if you were right. If we actually were touching. If I did cheat. And if it was like this, it would've been very awkward and obvious on camera." I panted, wiping my lips. He looked up at me, his eyes wide and cheeks red.

"This is what it was actually like." I waved a finger between us before wrapping my arms around his neck and leaned forward, only our chests touching. "This was what we did."

His eyes focused on where I sat and then down to where the stain lay. A good seven centimeters away. Repeating the movements, it was nothing but awkward.

"Get it?" I asked, climbing off him, and searched around the room and found my underwear and shorts. Luckily, he wore black, so the stain wasn't as visible, but it was still there.

"I'm sorry." His head hung low, and I stared at him from where I stood.

"Christopher." I called, and he slowly looked up. "You should've trusted me. That was the problem. You didn't and clearly still don't trust me." I shook my head and sat next to him. 

"I did trust you. Elle, I wished so badly to be wrong. I fought myself every day we were apart over this. I was just angry. And yes, my ego was... too much." He shook his head, brushing his hand wildly through his already messy hair.

"You told me you'd do anything to get me back. Why didn't you just apologize? Why did you start arguing again now?" My voice was weak.

"I don't know. I wanted to. And today? I got mad because I know you're ending it. And I don't want to. I don't want us to end. I don't." His eyes filled up, and he looked down. My eyes watered then, but I quickly wiped it away. 

"I never felt how you made me feel. Both times. Love and hurt. You made me know what real heartbreak felt like. And being here right now... I wanted to talk to you, especially after the restaurant and you meeting my family. But now I realize I don't. Because seeing you means leaving you. and I wasn't ready. I'll never be ready." My voice cracked, and a sob broke free. He pulled me in for a hug, and I hugged him back.

"Then don't end it. Elle, we could just start over? Start new. We could even redo our trial and this time focus on trust or something. But don't leave. Please." His voice broke, and I shook my head, pulling away. Tears ran down from his red eyes as he stared at me. Pain. That's what I saw in his eyes, in his face.

"You don't trust me. And I don't know how to move forward with someone who can't. Chan, I love you so much." I cried out, my words hardly able to come out with the lump in my throat.

"I love you too. So much it hurts. Elle, this hurts so much." He wiped his face but didn't look away from me.

"We can't get back together. If this happens again, I'll fear another huge argument, and I can't handle this again. I'll actually die if we have to go through this again." I whispered, wiping my face with my shirt.

"We'll work through it. Please, Elle. Don't run away. Stay. Please." He moved then, kneeling in front of me. He was literally begging for forgiveness. He said he'd do anything to get me back, and now he was literally on his knees. Tears ran down again, and I shook my head. I couldn't stay. I couldn't look at him. It hurt too much to look at him and know how sorry he was, and I couldn't forgive. To know that this was now on me. I didn't want to. I couldn't trust someone who didn't trust me.