Seasons- Golden Hours

🌻Habit of Freedom🌻

Eshani 

My years of Master's is passing by like a wave of the ocean—subtle, fast, lingering to the core. No matter what I do, I won't be allowed to complete my PhD afterwards. 

I used to be an average student when it came to studies. My marks in math were passing, I used to study last minute when it came to give exams. That was until I was in 12th standard and realized if I do not study- I would be bound forever. 

The chapped cream walls of my house, the silent dinners where I have to sit, the feeling of acid inside my mouth when I wanted to sit under the sun just to be gaped by the neighbor. 

Life was good before puberty. I didn't have to wear bra, there were no periods, I could be half naked and bath with my friends, my hair were short and then- then I turned 15 and everything changed. 

The size of my breast increased, my vagina started crying every one month and what not? There were women who embraced them... Mahika was very mature about it, Vaidehi dealt too, Adhira looked at the positive side. 

I don't have a proportionate body like Vaidehi and Adhira, nor I have a proper curvy body like Mahika. My breasts are bigger than they should be. On this skinny body where A cup size would be comfortable- I have C to D cup size. I work out a lot but it only affects my lower ass-less body and my waist which is already thin.

Some days I pray all that weight went to my stomach so I could carry them- instead, it became a body to sexualize. I had to wrap them in a tight covering and then layer it with a shaper to hide my actual size from mom because I am afraid she would think it's because of sex. 

Here, in Pune... I just wear a bra of my cup size and pair it up with a crop top and Baggy Jeans. 

Well but the eyes of the guy in front of me says an entire different lore. His mouth is open, eyes stuck at my breasts, holding a pen in his hand. What else is left? A drool? The drawback of wearing clothes of my size... these men who stare at us like an object. 

"Would you please fill the survey?" I point towards the paper in his hand which needs to be filled soon. "In a minute." He says still his eyes hanging on my breasts. What needed like 5 minutes to be filled, he made it a work of 20 minutes. 

I stood up and snatched the paper away from him. He smiled and licked his lips. "Since I helped you, you can meet me in the nearby bar." He winked. His face resembled to the man in front of my house who could exist freely on the terrace but because of him- I can't do it.

It's not about me but him, not about me but him, not about me but him-

I punched his face, earned a groan from his lips. "Thankyou asshole for filling the survey but my eyes are up here!" I turn and move away from him. 

Filling a deep breath in my lungs, I enter my university. These are my last days here and I can't manage to ruin them for a man. 

Adhira already got an Internship in Blooming Dales and she has been rushing here and there since. In the final year of our Masters, we would be assigned multiple clients and no matter how hard my urge is- I can't fucking punch every single pair of eyes ogling me. 

"Eshani!" I hear from the crowd and go towards them. "Freshers meet her! Future gold medalist of the Psychology department- Eshani Sheoran." One of my college friends introduce me to the freshers. 

"I am not a Gold medalist yet!" I laugh it off but a dark side inside me says if I don't end up becoming one, The last hope of PhD would die too. 

"Ma'am can you share the secret behind your consistency and perfection?" one of the junior asks with light in her eyes. 

Survival? Last hope? Hanging on a thread that could snap anytime? 

"Just enjoy the process and dive deep into concepts, relate to them and talk to people." Don't relate to them unless you want a panic attack but I suppress the voice and my smile makes everyone smile too. 

And what is the process I am trying to enjoy? A Cinderella like fairytale that would end the moment I would return home? 

I walk inside the dorm room to find it empty. Adhira left for her job, Mahika and Vaidehi dropped off the college- since they were already my seniors, the took a drop to get admission in this college but eventually they decided to walk into the real world and dropped out from their courses. 

Mahika is right now working in her aunt's bakery part time and Vaidehi is starting from scratch. 

I sigh and lay on the bed, my notes everywhere on the sides, my cupboard, my bed and now on Adhira's side too where the fairy lights were hanging. It is weird how I always wanted to be alone and have time for myself but right now when I am furious and feeling this weird emptiness in my heart- I don't want to be alone. 

A tear set free out of my eyes and I remind myself that it's okay to cry. I am happy Adhira got an internship and future job agreement, that Mahika and Vaidehi are moving on with their lives. I am happy that they can. 

I am happy not everyone are restricted with their choices. 

Would everyone make fun of me if I got a Gold medal in my degree and pursued to be a housewife? I shake my head, blinking my thoughts away and order a butterscotch ice-cream. 

Sitting by the window, the clouds covering the sun- It makes me sad but comfortable in a weird way- Everyone gets a moment to shine even if its the light or the darkness. The butterscotch ice-cream melt inside my mouth- the bitterness on my tongue disappears. 

And I decide I would be sad some other day... I would show emotions some other day and some other day I would let myself dance naked in the rain. 

My phone blipped with notification:

"Thanks for accompanying me to the Bakery! Miss you so much here!" I press my phone on my chest, smiling and a wave of motivation filled inside me and an inner voice said to me- 

Ye jo aazadi ki lat mujhe lag chuki hai yaha... isko jaane nahi dena abhi bas kuch waqt or... 

(This addiction of freedom that I have got here, I am not ready to let it go yet- just some more time and I would be free)

There would be multiple time skips in the starting chapters! I hope you are liking the characters! 
Thanks for reading!
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