Echoes of Resilience

39

Addison woke up in the middle of the night alone in Meredith's room. She sat up looking around, but didn't see the missing blonde. "Mer?" She called only to receive no answer. Getting out of bed, she padded out to the living room and found Meredith on the couch, staring out the window. "Mer?" The blonde looked up at her with tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes, offering her a weak smile.

"I couldn't sleep." Meredith whispered, turning her gaze back towards the window. "Sorry if I scared you." Addison walked over and sat next to her.

"You should have woken me up." Addison ran her thumb along the back of Meredith's hand.

"I thought about it, but just because I wake up at 2am doesn't mean you should have to." Meredith whispered. "Cristina's on call so I've been texting her on and off."

"You've been up for three hours?" Addison's eyes widened.

"Oh, is it 5am already?" Meredith asked in a monotone voice, never moving her gaze from the window. "It feels like I've only been awake for a short while."

"Sweet girl, I'm worried about you. Can you look at me?" Addison asked softly. Meredith turned to look at her. Now that she was closer, Addison could notice just how haunted Meredith's eyes looked. "Can I hold you?" She opened her arms, taking note of the almost mechanical way Meredith moved into them.

"I'm fine." Meredith whispered. "You can go back to bed, I'll be there soon."

"Please don't tell me you're fine, I don't even know what that means anymore." Addison sighed, running her hand through Meredith's hair. "As for going back to bed, I'm not going anywhere. We're in this together, if you're up then so am I."

"Do you ever wonder what the world would be like if you were never born?" Meredith asked after a long silence.

"Is that what you've been thinking about? What would it be like had you not been born?" Meredith nodded against Addison's chest.

"My mother would have been happier. She never wanted a kid. I don't know about my father, he acts like I don't exist anyways. I wonder if he ever thinks about me or if he just forgot all about me after he left."

"I'm happy you were born." Addison kissed the top of her head. "I can't imagine my life without you in it."

"But if I was never born and we never met, you wouldn't know what you were missing." Meredith points out. "If my mom aborted me, not much would have changed. It's not like the world would have imploded had I not been born."

"If you weren't born and I never met you, I wouldn't be friends with Cristina, Cristina would probably still be a surgical robot, Arizona wouldn't have someone to color her pictures to decorate her office, and Teddy wouldn't have someone to have chicken nugget eating competitions with. A lot would be different without you." Addison argued.

"I guess." Meredith sighed. Addison glanced down at her arms, noticing new scratches and gashes above her bandages. When the blonde noticed her looking, she folded her arms over her stomach. "It's not as bad as it looks."

"Does it hurt?" Addison whispered, blinking back tears. Meredith shook her head.

"It makes me feel better, I just have to let it out somehow." Meredith explained. "I know it's not healthy, but I feel like I'll burst if I don't. I don't know how else to free everything." Addison kissed the crown of her head, hugging her tighter.

"I'm worried about you. You barely even touched your dinner last night." Addison reminded her.

"I wasn't hungry." Meredith shrugged. "I promise I'm okay."