My Beginning & The End: Where The Road Led [REWRITTEN]

Lingering past

9.

You hear my cries yet claim you don't listen.
I know that reaction, I can see right through you. Nevertheless, I can't blame you.

Moving on seems like the impossible. Crying out to you without hope of us ever letting go.

Quick to cover up your future to only reveal your past.

I found a calendar in my room tucked away under some books on the shelf. It was from 2003. There were important days marked up until 10th June when the last reminder was written in red ballpoint ink.

10
Evelyn

This man is obsessed, yet he can't process his obsession, it seems. He can barely even face me. He's been at this for a while, which makes me wonder who she is that he is looking for. I started thinking about why the date 10th June would be marked that way and why it felt so familiar to me.
After a moment of thinking it, hit me. The day my father disappeared was June 11th, 2003. He couldn't have known of me then. That would mean he's much older than he appears, which made no sense. It's just a coincidence. The calendar itself looks old and is definitely from 2003 and hasn't been seen for a while by the amount of dust that was on the stacked on top of books that it rested under.

- - -

June 12th, 2003.
I arrived home late in the evening. I tried to stay out as long as I possibly could to avoid him. I didn't want the confrontation of our reality. I tried to hide by ignoring him when he shouted my name or when he tumbled down the hall drunker then the last time. I tried to hide him, too. I didn't let anyone come over in fear they would say something. I made up lies that he was a whealthy business man and he was just on endless vacations when he wouldn't show up at any of my school parental activities. Then I claimed there was construction at my house when friends wanted to come over. I was going to get a giant pool and a trapoline in the yard that no one could see or use except for me because my father didn't like having strangers using my stuff. No one believed me. It was obvious to everyone. I still tried my best to make the best of it all. It wasn't unusual for him not to be home or to find him dead in his bed. Only this time, he never returned. He wasn't slumped on the couch watching daytime TV all day or snoring in bed after I came home from a long school day. It hit me that he might have left for good. Maybe he found a new family. He was finally happy, even if that was without me. I still felt selfish for wanting him to come back and take me, too. I wanted a new sister, and maybe even a brother too. I could get a step mom. She won't be like the ones in the movies. She'll treat me really, really nicely.

It was confirmed by police that he had gone missing on the 11th by telephone records and people that witnessed him leaving in his car and driving off. The revelation that he was gone and not for just for a while was like a knife stabbing me in the gut and twisting my insides. I was afraid of losing him -but never forever. I always expected him to come back to me. He couldn't leave me. Not here. Not in this place. Not in this world.

He always felt out of reach, but he was always close even if I couldn't get to him mentally. Now he was completely gone, and I never got my chance to gain him back. The only thing I had left of him was an empty casket and a flimsy cheap necklaces he bought me when I was 8, just a few days after my birthday. Nothing in the ground and nothing above either. Wiped off the earth like he had never stepped on it before.

A nobody died that day, June 12th. She was only a child wanting to reach her hand to a man who she called dad, but he never answered back or even took her hand to lead her back home. He sunk to the ground and left nothing to lose above ground. We became a nobody. We die as such because neither of us could change. We never became anything to anyone else.

- - -

I'm imprisoned in the past. This is my hell. I drowned in the lake and sunk to the bottom. There's no other possibility of any other reality. I could still cry, and I felt the tears staining my pillow. I faced the wall and stared into nothingness as a puddle formed on the pillow I reseted on . I heard the door creek as it opened slowly. He tried to be quiet, but he hadn't realized I was awake. He sat down at the end of the bed. His eyes layed on me just as I closed mine and pretended to sleep so he couldn't bother me.

"I dreamt that this would be just as bitter as it can be sweet." -"Seems you still haven't realized yet just how much we truly connect. I'll let you know who you are as many times as I'm still roaming around."

"-I know who you are, Jade." He whispered as he stood up and closed the door as he left.

I sat up and looked out to see if he really was gone. He was standing in the corner by the door looking at me. I could see his eyes glow like the moonlight as he stared back at mine.

"I won't change you, I'll only show you what you never acknowledged." He said as he came closer to me.

I felt fear in a way I hadn't before. I dragged myself to the corner of the bed against the wall. He kept taking steps closer. I tried to crumble myself together and wake up because it was only a nightmare. He was only a bad dream. He sat at the end of the bed. He ran his fingers through my hair, and it felt like he was closer and closer, breathing down my neck. I closed my eye and ignored him, and focused on my rapid heartbeat. I started unknowingly saying outloud, repeating that he wasn't real, only a bad dream. He responded. "I'm as real as you could have remembered." He said with a stern tone in his voice, which was a sudden change from how he usually spoke.

I opened my eyes and looked around, and he was gone. I must've fallen asleep, I thought. I had no way of telling the time, I could only estimate by the sun. I looked out of the window and saw it was still pitch black outside. I opened the door and found he had left it unlocked. I opened it slightly and looked around to see if he was in the kitchen or living room. I saw nothing and no one, so I got out. The front door was wide open. I stared at it in awe, almost believing it was only imagination. The breath of fresh air hit my face. I thought maybe I was still dreaming all this time. Either way, I needed a way out, even if it looked like a trap. I considered the fact that it was the perfect setup for him to trick just to give me false hope. I had no belief that it would lead me to freedom, but at least I'd get some fresh air finally.

I took a few cautious steps to the door, looking back to see if he had heard me. Then I stepped outside. It was freezing cold and dark, and I had no idea where to go. I started walking down the gravel road. It felt like I was stepping on needles. The cold gravel pierced through the skin on my feet with each and every step I took. I heard as the wind started to pick up, only I couldn't feel it. I looked around to see if he was there, if anything had been there. I was alone walking on the gravel road. The world felt empty, just as it had been before. There was nothing there. No one to save me, no one to get me out of it. Only the pain could carry me away.

I saw the light. It was coming torwards me, and it was speeding up. I ran to the forest off of the gravel road and watched as the car drove by. I couldn't see who it was driving, but I had no time to figure out who was. The car was out of view, and I started running through the forest. I assumed it was him getting back. I could feel my feet burning in flashing pain, but there was no time to worry about any of it. I tripped over a tree root that was growing out of the ground. I planted face first and had a quick reaction to cover my face with my arms. The pain became too great. I rolled over and lied on the forest floor crying in misery. I felt regret leaving. I thought to myself I should have stayed. Things would be easier that way if they always stayed unchanged. I wouldn't be in so much pain if only I would have stayed.