Taste (H.S. / A.U.)

Chapter 28

HARRY STYLES

My heart aches for something it never has truly accepted. I've gotten used to romanticizing my life until it seems characterized like a novel. Falling into love, creating a dreamscape of everything I hoped and pined after but never have accepted to having yet. I have had a lot of almosts, but never a full head-over-heels and irrevocable love story that consumed me and my life. Holding out hope that one day someone would come along and feel as passionate about me and I do with them is the only goal, but until it's achieved I wait and fill the time with others that please my body but never my soul.

I think back to the few loves of my life, and how each impacted me differently, teaching me new ways that I did and didn't want to receive love in the future. I would be captivated with parts of them but found delicate intricacies that tore me away, eventually leading me to believe they were an impulsive desire rather than something long term.

I remember running through rainstorms to avoid photographers, making out in the back of a parked limo, dashing out of an event all to feel the rush of potentially getting caught and extending the life of whatever it was that we had. The dangerous and close thrill that overridden our rationality. Each time though, it wore away, the fever that built up between whoever it was and myself. Slowly the euphoric rush and absolute overwhelming intensity that once was then shifted into dull normalcy. A dream that stilled back into reality and the spark slowly losing its ignition.

Between each romance I wait for a new someone to fill the absence, and not to sound dramatic or cocky, but someone always will. It's impossible to feel alone when you have echoes of hundreds of people that are willing to throw themselves at you. I can find someone to fill my bed easily in any city and any place, but it wasn't what I wanted deep down. The nostalgic reverie of losing everything to start over kills me each time, but I torture myself and go through it over and over again.

Tonight I was feeling nostalgic and off, hoping it didn't broadcast through my stage presence. I had went out to eat with Mitch before the show, telling him I owed him one for being so helpful so far with everything he has done setting up, helping my anxiety, and everything. Mitch was a best friend, but also a brother to me. He understood that being around me sometimes felt like a job in itself with how in my head or stressed I get, and that requires you to either play therapist. We facetimed his family and got to see the latest project his wife, Sarah was working on and even managed to get a few words in with Scout. Scout is a few years old now, which feels surreal since I was there his whole life, but watching him become a toddler, preschooler, and young child feels like time is flying by. 

Was I supposed to be settling down, starting a family, and being a father? Most of my friends have done this, including Zayn, Louis, and Mitch, but I was still going through partners like they were something to collect it seems. That's at least what the tabloids say. 

Tossing another grape into the air, I jut out my jaw to catch the green orb, enjoying the chill of it against my tongue. The clock read after two am, but I wasn't tired yet. Everyone else was sleeping on the plane, trying to get in some shut eye while we left Denmark to head into Germany for another night of screams, boas, sparkles, and fans. 

No one has asked me the question, but I knew they wanted to. Lloyd was the most curious, knowing he saw her at the hotel, and then saw the post. Every single person on the plane had liked the post and I heard some mumblings in Nordstern from both the fans and the members through the night. I wasn't going to bring it up though, despite my mind being on the same thing all day.

Elle never liked the post, and I know this because I checked four times. Four separate times.

I grab the last two grapes, popping both into my mouth at the same time while closing the HBO app. I had just finished the current movie I was watching and when heading back to the main menu I glanced a familiar title, hoping to not relive a part of my life I hope to bury along with all the publicity that went with it in Venice. Hoping sleep overcomes me soon instead, I check my phone battery, nearly charged.

Unhooking the cord I do the one thing I think logical at two am, because what else is a simple guy to do.

"He- *throat clearing* hello?"

I wasn't expect a man to answer the phone, but that sound make sense actually.

"Hi, it's two am."

"I can see that. Why are you calling so late?"

"Do... do you know who this is?"

I expected some sort of a reply but instead the phone was pulled away from his and the voice barely loud enough to hear, "Jade, phone call. Elle's British boyfriend is calling."

Yes Harry, because when you call people at two am they are probably sleeping. Also, does that mean Elle was talking about me to her friends? Interesting.

"Harry?" She sounded just as exhausted, and now the guilt was settling as I considered what a dick move this was. The fact I couldn't just wait for a normal hour to do this made no sense and now I am probably upsetting them. "Harry, you realize it's like the middle of the night right? Most guys call the actual girl for a booty call at this hour and not her manager. Do you need Elle?"

Jesus Christ I fucked up.

"Chill dude. It's a joke. I can hear your freak out from over here and we are countries apart. But, what do you need? Is everything okay?" The fact she was nice enough to ask was a little shocking. Only meeting once in passing, but nice enough to concern herself with asking was a little surprisingly because Jade seemed very intense and scary honestly.

I shift in my seat, wondering what to say, because what was the point of this phone call? "I hung out with Elle the other day." Jade hums an accepting noise, "well, I don't know what she did or didn't tell you, but it seemed really fun and cool. She's nice."

Jade scoffs, "she's nice? And, that's why you are calling me at two am."

"No. Well, not entirely. I, I think I want to hang out with her again if she wants to. It just seems like she was so down to earth and really nice. She didn't just fangirl and stuff that sometimes happens, and it felt really real I guess. I wanted to see if it was just a fluke or if she was someone maybe I could be friends with or something."

Jade must have leaned away from the phone because her voice was quieter and light, "he wants to be friends with her." Jade giggles, sounding more lively and less asleep than before. "Okay Harry, yeah, friends, sounds delightful." I hate this phone call. "How about this, you text me your schedule for the next few days and I can see what works out with us all. We are in Thailand right now, and we have a few days here before we ship out to-"

I didn't mean to cut Jade off, "wait, you're in Thailand right now?" My brain was connecting dots so quickly and I had to continue to remind myself to be hushed while Pauli started to shuffle in his seat. "We are flying to Germany right now, and we have a day off afterwards. I could make it over there easily. When is her class?"

I head Jade tapping on her phone, potentially double checking a calendar or something. "Friday night. How do you feel about operating a blender my good sir?"