Blurred Lines

Chapter 40 - Betting On Us

Marlena's Lakehouse

March 8, 1993

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Tried every chapel, tried talking to Jesus

But all that let me down

Turned to the portal, searching for reasons

But all I found was doubt, I'm in my mind again

I thought that I am at my end

But then I saw you walking in

Oh, I, oh, I...

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John hadn't seen Brady in a week, and Marlena knew he was upset. He tried to hide it from her to ease her growing guilt, but she could see it. She was so happy with him. The children were blossoming, but she knew that she had tempted him, and seduced him. She'd recently read over her therapy notes, and listened to her voice recordings. Before her attack and before her memory loss she'd fought her attraction for him, pushing him away. That had worked for both of them, but she knew they had both been unhappy. She could hear the sadness in her voice when she played back her tapes. There was a change in her tone when she said John's name. There was no doubt in her mind that they would have had an affair eventually. She recalled her notes from her last official session with John:

I think it may be best to have John switch his sessions over to Dr. Baker. I can brief her on his case, and share all of my previous diagnostic information, but I feel this move would be best. John and I may simply be too close as friends for me to remain unbiased. We share too many memories, and connections. We may be blurring the lines of the doctor/patient relationship, and I feel it would be best to sever the connection now before we...

The recording had stopped abruptly, and Marlena had a sudden flash of memory. John had been in her office, and he'd said, "Doc, you've been crying." Her choked sob had been followed by his soft words, "Hey... hey. What's going on baby? What happened?" And then she melted into his arms. When the memory came to her, it brought with it all of the anguish and anger she'd felt in that moment. She took a deep breath. Even then, she could close her eyes, and feel how much she had needed him that day. She didn't recall why she was upset, only that she was. So, as much guilt as she was harboring over what they'd done, she knew they were inevitable.

"Doc?" John repeated softly, knocking on the bathroom door. "The twins are getting dressed, and Sami needs help with her hair. I'm good with ponytails, but not much more, and her hair is a mess right now."

Marlena opened the door, looking up at him. She stroked his freshly shaved jaw, whispering, "Have I told you today what a wonderful man you are?"

Kissing her palm, he replied, "You have, but I won't mind hearing it again."

"I love you," she whispered. "I love you so much."

John stared down at her for a moment, and then he asked, "Doc? What's going on with you? Ever since Gretchen brought your things from the hospital... you've seemed sad."

"I'm not sure," she told him. "It's sad... letting that part of my life go–"

"--it may not be permanent," John said gently. "You may just need some time–"

"--it's okay," she whispered. "I know what I'm dealing with, and I've accepted it. I might never have slowed down. I might have spent my life dealing with everyone else's problems, while never facing my own. As horrible as it was... I wouldn't change it... because now I have time to deal with the events in my life that I have ignored. D.J.'s death, the loss of my sister... my rape. Maybe what happened to me was divine intervention–"