Happy Endings

37. storm

"And it's our time now if you want it to be. Maul the world like a carnival bear set free."

☼

That kiss lingered for hours, days, weeks. And so did the anger.

Kellin Quinn tried his best to forget it ever happened, but he was finding that his brain might not work like it did before. It wasn't as easy as back in high school. He wasn't forgetting at all. That had taken years, what are you saying Kellin?

He just needed this to be instant, like a magic trick to wipe out what happened. But the thoughts persisted, circling his head over and over again. Everything. Everything that was said, everything that was done. Everything that wasn't.

Everything was entirely worse.

Ignoring it worked almost as well as forgetting, even though it wasn't the same. Kellin believed that if he ignored it enough it would simply fade away faster, that he would be at peace again. Eventually he would forget. Ignoring it was the first step. As always, his logic found the strangest ways of working.

After he walked away from Vic, he had to swallow the excruciating pain spreading through his entire being and put on the best mask he had in store for the rest of the world. He had no other choice. He couldn't leave the party, even when that was what he needed most.

He ended up heading for the empty restroom and locked himself in a stall to have a quiet breakdown. The dread was too big this time. The white noise in his head was unbearable. He couldn't stop crying for what felt like ages—but it had probably been only a few minutes.

When he could finally breathe a little better, he crouched and hugged his knees, trying to comfort himself before going outside again. He couldn't do it, but he would have to. He couldn't take the fun away from his daughter, not when he saw her having so much fun not long ago. Not when today was so happy and exciting for the kids.

His solution was simple, Kellin remembered he'd brought a pair sunglasses, hanging neatly by the collar of his shirt this entire time. They concealed enough and he had to thank his past self for grabbing them last minute before leaving home. He kept them on for the rest of the day.

He stayed away from most of the other parents too, just in case someone saw through the shades and started asking questions. He would blame the sun for his splotchy appearance anyway. He could only hope for the hours to go faster until it was time to go home. He supposed Vic left right away because he never saw him again. That was a relief. He didn't want to think about him anymore.

Kellin numbed all of his feelings away. He didn't feel a thing. Not for the remainder of the party, not while he watched Penny and her friends splash around in the water, not when the time came to cut the cake and sing happy birthday. He just wasn't there. A complete out-of-body experience.

Still, his eyes watered again while everyone cheered after the birthday song was over. The little girls smiled widely and giggled as their parents kissed all over their cheeks after blowing out the candles. Happily, lovingly. Then the adults kissed each other after. Smiles. Grins. Everywhere. They didn't care at all. Not about being seen, not about what any of these people thought about them or judged them for.   

Kellin looked away quickly.

He just couldn't do it.

He wasn't like them.

That wasn't him.

It wasn't.

Now, three entire weeks later, he didn't feel any better. His logic wasn't working. Not as fast as he needed it to. He wasn't forgetting, and there was so much he could ignore during the day. Instead, he was getting consumed by it even more. And to make everything worse, this weekend would be the hardest to go through because he was spending it all alone in the house. Alone, with all his anger and frustrations. He wasn't looking forward to that.