Want You (BoyxBoy)

-1-

A/N- In case you didn't read the description and you're a first time reader, the comments contain spoilers, so read this first at your own risk!!

-Ry-

It's starting to get to me. I'm really tired of being alone. But it's been so long since I've been in a relationship, an actual one. It's not like it's impossible. If I really wanted to, I could go out there and find someone. But part of me doesn't want to do that. That didn't work out for me the last time. It just resulted in him becoming the ex that left me behind. I won't lie and say it didn't hurt because it did. At the time. He wasn't my first boyfriend, but he was definitely the longest.

My first boyfriend, who I guess technically wasn't my boyfriend at all, was the first guy I fell for. Yeah, he really confirmed my sexuality for me. I mean, girls are still nice but boys... Fuck.

I'm happy with my sexuality, but sometimes, I think about how much easier it would be just liking girls. And the use of 'like' is an overstatement. I haven't liked a girl like that in five years when I was fourteen years old.

I remember my first girlfriend pretty well. We both took each other's virginities, and she told me she loved me after. I can still remember the way it made me feel. Bad. I knew I didn't feel the same. I mean, the sex was nice, and I liked being around her, but I didn't love her. And I couldn't figure out why. We ended up breaking up soon after when she met another guy, and I didn't feel hurt at all. But I still couldn't figure out why I couldn't feel the same. Until a new neighbor moved in across from my foster parents' house.

I remember being so confused when I thought he was better looking than any girl I've seen. He was already sure about what he liked, and it didn't take long before I was in his bed, experiencing the immense pleasure you can get from another guy. We never even dated, but I probably could've confessed right then and there. No, I wasn't actually in love with him either, but the possibility to develop feelings wasn't impossible.

I gave girls another chance after he ended up moving again a few months later. And once again, I could still get it up during sex, but emotionally, there weren't any feelings involved. But after getting my heart broken by my boyfriend of two years, I warded off from even dating and just stuck with hookups. Obviously, I leaned more towards boys still, but if a girl wanted just a simple hook up, I didn't turn the offer down. And flirting with girls caused less drama.

I've been out for four years. I told my foster parents after telling my best friend Maya, which didn't result in the same response. Maya was cool with it, that I expected. My parents... they didn't throw me out if that counts. I know it wasn't for me but for the money the state gave them to care for me. But although they made their distaste evident, they didn't call me slurs or demeaned me. But I didn't feel love for them. Mainly because I didn't feel it back. It's hard to love something that's supposed to be a replacement for something you've lost.

My real parents passed when I was just a kid. I still remember them, but the older I get, the less I do. And that scares me. I can remember how loving they were until Dad started to use, and then I mainly remember how he was after that. I don't want my memories of him to be that, but that's the part that sticks the most. I wish Mom would've stayed with me. Life's hard, and not having either of them fucking sucks. It's really lonely.

Exactly why I'm debating on a new relationship. But most boys just want a fling nowadays, a quick fuck with no strings attached. I've been doing that for years. I need more. I crave it.

I even considered dating a girl again, since they're usually more emotionally involved than guys are, but I wouldn't want to lead her on. Especially because I know I would. I can't help it. I like what I like. And I like pretty, soft boys that are still masculine and aren't afraid to put up a fight. The feisty, bratty ones really do something for me. But I haven't really found that perfect type yet. I've been with the more masculine ones that could definitely pass as tops, and I've been with borderline femboys. Both are fun, but not exactly what I'm looking for.