05.30.23
The last letter to my almost lover,
If you will ask me about the messages seen after greeting me a happy birthday, then you will know how I got tired in the chase. You will know how your hobby of leaving me unattended makes me feel like I am someone beyond unwanted.
You will know how every piece of me breaks for you while I wait for your name to finally come into my screen. You will know how I came to hate myself for expecting too much from a man who might not be as invested as me.
If you will ask me about the call you made on May 27th and why it wasn't answered, then you will know how I've been making war inside my chest.
You will know how your silence, which took more than a fortnight, makes me think so lowly of my worth, but funny how one random message makes this chest crave for you again. You will know how your regular absence reminds me of your disinterest but still, I denied them all the time.
You will know how your empty promises became my solitude at night only to see myself drowning in false hopes again but still, I raise them like they were an oath I should take by heart. You will know how your sweet nothings light up my world only to paint them gray again but still, I color them red just to make myself believe that you and I could go on still.
If you will ask me about the silence surrounding my heart and yours, then you will know how I got so exhausted while trying to make it up to you, thinking I am the problem all along. You will know how I wasn't so used to swallowing my pride, but for you I did, thinking I should be the one getting to you this time.
You will know how I never was a beggar of attention, but for you I acted so desperately because maybe you just needed a little more time — to decide, to commit, and to give us another try.
You will know how I never uttered for certain names of men in my prayer, but for you I bent my knees, believing that you will be the future worth the wait.
Now if you will ever ask me about the letter I wrote back in September, then you will know how I regretted writing every line, utterly convinced that I was to blame for breaking your heart. You will know how much I loathed myself for settling down with your inconsistencies, foolishly blinded that I was accountable for the changes you made.
You will know how it makes me feel so stupid for receiving the same shit just because I thought I deserve every bit of it. You will know how I finally come to my senses and no longer sees you as my almost lover who I loved in return without regrets.
—georginariver
