Will it be ok?

~life without pain~

The source of my mind conflicted with each other. A life without pain isn't a life. Everyone feels pain.

June 8 2024. Saturday

My room felt chilly, like an ice pack. A cocoon for myself. A safe one. I wasn't breathing the way a normal person does.

Instead of panicking, instead of calling Penelope all the way here, I brought my hand up to my chest and tried to take deep breaths.

You can do this.
You can do this.
You're stronger than the demon inside you.

Slowly, I felt my breathing go back to normal. Go back to a rhythmic tone. I did it. I actually did it.

The pain of my scars had subsided. They were getting better. Being clean made me feel good. But it also felt wrong. I brought my phone up to my ear, the soft ring and her voice made me smile.

"Penelope, I did it. I finally got over my attack.."

"Really? That's amazing. Hazel, I'm so proud."

Then I called my therapist.

"I used one of your methods, doc. I think I'm getting better."

"That's amazing. Pat yourself on the back, kid. You're doing good."

Then Declan, but Declan's call was something I was waiting to hear.

"I think I'm getting better, slowly but surely."

"Good, take You time Haz, I'm here for you, so is Penny."

I could hear his voice quivering.

"You know it's not your fault, Declan."

"I know... just... get better... and take your time with it."

He hung up.

The fact I felt glad for his call weirded me out. It wasn't usual for me to be smiling at a message that didn't come from Penny. Though I was smiling from the friendship he gave me. The platonic love I had for him. It was gravely appreciated.

June 10, Monday
School wasn't fun. Interjections, adverbs. Then in German. Prateritum und plusquamperfect. Then, in maths. Equations and algebra. God, it annoyed me. Though I know I had to learn something. I kept my head up. I was so desperately ready for the holidays to start. It's killing me.

I picked up my feet and stood up, Penny headed with me to the girls' bathroom with lunch in our hands. The bathroom stall was quiet but in a way that made silence good again. Sometimes, we would laugh. Sometimes, we would hug. Sometimes, I would choke on my food from laughter. And other times we sat there, eating our food.

It seemed like old times. Before all of my issues. Before all of my problems. I felt sane again.

Penny made me feel sane

"You don't have to 'remove' your scars and pretend they don't exist. Sometimes, those scars show you're a warrior.

You're a warrior, Hazel."

Penny
July 27, Saturday
The music flowed through the small room, my hands swung in motion like my legs, copying my teachers' moves. She ended the dance with a clap.

"Good. Now, let's just check on your steps."

I redid the moves, and she stopped me before the end position. "Maybe try it like this." She redid it in her own way. Her braids fell over her face. "Is that better?"

I redid her move, and it seemingly did the trick.

"Yes! Good job. Now let's do it with music." She walked over to the speaker and turned the music on, we did the dance flawlessly without mistakes, and I heard my aunt clapping her hands together. I walked over.

"Aunty!" She gave me a hug.

"Alright, is the class over or...?"

"Yeah, it's.." I looked at my phone. "Yeah, it's done, bye Ava." I waved my teacher goodbye as me and my aunt and I walked back to the car.

I looked over. She had gotten me some takeout. She took it out and handed mine to me while opening hers.

"Aunty... What do you know about Jabari?"

"Hohooo no, has your mother never said anything about him?"

"Yeah, she has, but... I'm still curious." She sighed.

"Alright, your grandfather, my brother, studied radio broadcasting before traveling to Namibia, where your father met Dorothy Meier. In the middle of apartheid, your mother was born, 1968. This made your grandma go into hiding, while your grandfather started working properly on the radio. But you see, they didnt want him to talk about the bad things. They wanted him to convince everyone that everything was all and well." She continued to eat.

"And?"

"And. Well, what else would you like to know?"

"What happened to my mother? Just tell me more." She chuckled.

"Right when apartheid ended, your mother finally had the chance to go to Germany. Your grandfather hadn't seen his parents in 20 years. They were furious when they saw him. Especially my dad. Mom cried when she saw him again."

"Aunty, did you have any other siblings?" She shook her head.

"No, mom was an unfertile woman. She was lucky to only have us two."

Our conversation ended there. Aunty drove me back home. We had company.

Family trees get complicated very quickly, so here's a recap.

"Aunty" is my grandfather's sister. She has a daughter who has another daughter. Fadimata.

We are very close, we always were. Many of her friends I'm friends with. When life gets hard, then I talk to her.

Once we saw each other, we quickly hugged.

My family is rather small, but thank god I have them. Mom had always been an explorer, and when she met dad, they explored together. Then, in Berlin, I was born. She finally felt the freedom of life and being able to live a good life as a mixed-race woman. She found her path. How am I gonna find my own?

My biggest worry was on myself. Hazel, on the other hand, was getting better. Without me. I love Hazel, but I can't be the only reason she gets better. She wants to. She really does.

Declans pov
July 28, Sunday.
I went to her grave today. I cried. I cried like my life depended on it.

Her grave had flowers, pictures, newspaper articles, and a pin on a picture with the blue, pink, and white flag. Something dear to her heart.

Jessica was dear to my own heart. If only she never did it. I can not let this happen to Hazel. I would hate myself if that ever happened.

I put Jessica's favourite flower on her grave.

A childhood memory I had almost forgotten came back. Back when we were 4, she used to like wearing hello kitty dresses with shoes that had pins and different colours. She enjoyed it. Even if dresses were not made for her. She still enjoyed wearing girls' clothing. We hopped on the trampoline, and our parents would call us in when it got too dark. Mathew would make weird glances at Jessica. She wasn't a she back then. Dresses were weird for boys.

Slowly, a tear slipped down my face. I miss her. A lot more than I should.

It's been two years. Get over it. She deserves justice. She will rest in peace. Up in the heavens. Dear Jesus Christ.
Even if she's made mistakes, even if she isn't the person you want.
Keep her in heaven for me. She was a way better person than I ever was.

♡Penelope♡

My mom was explaining my family tree and where our genes come from when I brought up Hazel and partially her struggle.

"Mom... Hazel isn't exactly the healthiest person... to herself.. I don't know how to continue helping her."

"Honey, the best thing Hazel needs is for a safe environment, and the people around her who love her, she needs people who she can trust. But one important detail is that love isn't a cure, but a person can help someone by being there for them."

《For her》