Will it be ok?

~life without pain~

The source of my mind conflicted with each other. A life without pain isn't a life. Everyone feels pain.

June 8 2024. Saturday

My room felt chilly, like an ice pack. A cocoon for myself. A safe one. I wasn't breathing the way a normal person does.

Instead of panicking, instead of calling Penelope all the way here, I brought my hand up to my chest and tried to take deep breaths.

You can do this.
You can do this.
You're stronger than the demon inside you.

Slowly, I felt my breathing go back to normal. Go back to a rhythmic tone. I did it. I actually did it.

The pain of my scars had subsided. They were getting better. Being clean made me feel good. But it also felt wrong. I brought my phone up to my ear, the soft ring and her voice made me smile.

"Penelope, I did it. I finally got over my attack.."

"Really? That's amazing. Hazel, I'm so proud."

Then I called my therapist.

"I used one of your methods, doc. I think I'm getting better."

"That's amazing. Pat yourself on the back, kid. You're doing good."

Then Declan, but Declan's call was something I was waiting to hear.

"I think I'm getting better, slowly but surely."

"Good, take You time Haz, I'm here for you, so is Penny."

I could hear his voice quivering.

"You know it's not your fault, Declan."

"I know... just... get better... and take your time with it."

He hung up.

The fact I felt glad for his call weirded me out. It wasn't usual for me to be smiling at a message that didn't come from Penny. Though I was smiling from the friendship he gave me. The platonic love I had for him. It was gravely appreciated.

June 10, Monday
School wasn't fun. Interjections, adverbs. Then in German. Prateritum und plusquamperfect. Then, in maths. Equations and algebra. God, it annoyed me. Though I know I had to learn something. I kept my head up. I was so desperately ready for the holidays to start. It's killing me.

I picked up my feet and stood up, Penny headed with me to the girls' bathroom with lunch in our hands. The bathroom stall was quiet but in a way that made silence good again. Sometimes, we would laugh. Sometimes, we would hug. Sometimes, I would choke on my food from laughter. And other times we sat there, eating our food.

It seemed like old times. Before all of my issues. Before all of my problems. I felt sane again.

Penny made me feel sane

"You don't have to 'remove' your scars and pretend they don't exist. Sometimes, those scars show you're a warrior.

You're a warrior, Hazel."

Penny
July 27, Saturday
The music flowed through the small room, my hands swung in motion like my legs, copying my teachers' moves. She ended the dance with a clap.

"Good. Now, let's just check on your steps."

I redid the moves, and she stopped me before the end position. "Maybe try it like this." She redid it in her own way. Her braids fell over her face. "Is that better?"

I redid her move, and it seemingly did the trick.

"Yes! Good job. Now let's do it with music." She walked over to the speaker and turned the music on, we did the dance flawlessly without mistakes, and I heard my aunt clapping her hands together. I walked over.