Will it be ok?

~Broken fingernail~

 For my Therapists......
Finni and Kristen

Für meine Therapeutinnen...
Finni und Kristen

(aka my brilliant, patient best friends and illustrators).
(auch bekannt als meine brillanten, geduldigen, besten Freunde und Illustratoren).
the friends who listened, supported, and inspired me through this journey.

April 6, Saturday afternoon

My leg shook like crazy as I chewed on my already broken nails. It was a hushed silence that filled the room, and it didn't help that this was my therapist. "All right then.." she started as she raised her hands up to her blonde hair and put it into a delicate bun.

"Let's get started where we finished off, shall we." I uncomfortably shifted in my chair and nodded my head.

"I thought It would be good to tell you that your mother is cutting these sessions short, she just came in and told me. So we'll have to continue your story... if your ok with that of course." she waited for my answer.

All I could do was nod, not trusting myself with words.

"I have something for you, something we talked about in our earlier sessions." She pulled a completely white covered journal, laying it on the table, giving me time to pick it up. "Believe me or not, but writing really does help you express emotion. You don't even have to be specific if it's really hard for you." I grabbed the white covered journal that sat itself on the table and took a look at it for a moment before looking back up. Almost only focusing on her diploma on the wall behind her.

"Hazel, I really want to help you with this situation. What happened to your father is something you can't always deal with alone." I nod my head and shifted in my chair once more.

"If there's anything you want to tell me before we start, tell me now." She said as she turned her head to the water in front of her, grabbing and drinking it.

"I guess I do..... Do you maybe know why.... he did it...? I mean, you're a licensed therapist, so you must know... right?" My finger scraped my thumbs skin off. Her back relaxed.

"I understand you might feel like you have to know why he did it, but just because I'm a licensed therapist, doesn't mean I know everyones problems, he's even never been in therapy with me, so it's hard to determine exactly why he committed," She leaned forward, placing a hand on my shoulder, hesitantly, might I add. "But I know for a fact that all of this is not your fault, dear. It never is anyone's fault, even when you feel like it is."

I looked over to her window and dug my nails into my wrist, which was covered by my long sleeved sweater.

"Now we need to get to the other thing..." 

"I know....I'm trying..." I looked down to my wrists, hating the fact that I did this to myself....but it was the only way I could cope, It felt so good.

"And that's good. You're doing a great job. You're slowly getting better and better, Hazel." Of course, a therapist is nicer than my own mother. "I know that for a fifteen year old girl, it will be especially hard, so maybe a journal can help you with other things." She looked down on her hardboard that she put my paper on.

I told her alot that day, sometimes I wish I didnt need another person to tell me what I should or should not do.

Eventually, I had to leave, My session was over. I felt both relieved and my anxiety buildup as I left the room. I clutched the journal in my hand, The weight of her words hung tightly to my chest. 

I still dont feel ready.

The lady at the front desk waved at me while I left the building.

My head perked up when I heard my mom's car dashing through the streets. She parked in front of me, so I climbed in. She whispered profanities as we stormed off, back on track. "You made me late for my meeting!" She yelled, and I really didn't care anymore.

"Sorry, mom." said while leaning against the window.

"Don't 'sorry mom' me! It's already bad enough that your friend is coming over! You know I hate company!" I rolled my eyes.

"Ma, she's been my friend for years now. Just accept it." Now she was the one rolling her eyes. "Is it because she's darker than me?"

Her eyes turned to me, with that glare. "Don't you dare put that assumption on me, or I'll tell her to cancel this movie night, and you will be grounded!" It was true. My mother always hated her even though she's probably the only reason I still had good grades. I personally could never hate her. She's always here for me.

Penelope skin was a Taupe mix of brown, she had afro-like hair with a round nose, thin lips with sharp teeth and slight spaced front teeth. Her skin was smooth and always well taken care of. Though she ate a lot, she still maintained a healthy body. Unlike me.

Once we reached our house, mom shooed me out of the car so she could leave.
I swung the bag over my shoulder and opened the house.

The sudden warmth from the inside relaxed my body, so I closed the door. Obviously, my sister wasn't home yet. I had a few minutes before Penny came over, so I wandered into the kitchen to make some popcorn.

Dad taught me how to make basic good food.

A shaky sigh left my body as I poured some corn into a pot with oil. The ovens' heat felt just right, so I put a lid on the pot. After about 5 minutes, I heard a knock on the door, I walked over and opened it to reveal my Penelope. She wore a headband to keep it out of her face, black baggy pants with black boots and a red shirt. At the bottom of her pants were strings that you could tie up tightly. A cheeky shit-eating grin appeared on my face as she as she leaned forward to give me a tight hug, melting into it. "I brought some chips."

We were sitting in front of the TV as we kept passing chips to each other. This was the most fun I've had in a long while. The way she kept whispering something funny into my ear as if the movie wasn't some cheesy romantic film where the characters kept getting into some stupid love triangle.

The way she was all cuddled up on my side like we were some old married couple. The way I wanted to grab her and kiss her on her lips so hard until my lips turned purple.

The moment felt just right.

Unlike the picture of him sitting on the coffee table, I thought I had taken down all the pictures of him. My eyes began to sting.

"Hazel, are you o-"

We both jumped once we heard a car hoop. I opened the curtain to see her mom waiting for her in her car. Penelope grabbed her bag and hugged me tightly before leaving through the front door. My stomach was full of butterflies, which made me hold it.

I've never felt like this before.

My thoughts came to a stop once I remembered that picture. The tears started falling down my face and I ran to my room. My bed was the only place that kept me safe. My white walls, wooden desk, rolly chair, white wooden closet, and school books on the floor will keep me safe.

《 It will keep me safe from myself》