WHERE TO NOW? (M/M) 18+

Chapter 21

Exposed

It was then that I realised what I had done. I promised myself I would never talk about her, the memories too painful to remember. My heart twisted inside of my chest. I felt it squeeze and tug as if it were being rung out like a wet cloth, stretched to its limits so tightly, the threads would come loose.

I had no words, no way to recover and take back what I said. Knowing he knew only made it all the more real, all the more painful. I wanted to walk away, pretend like he didn't know the most intimate parts of my very soul, but I knew I couldn't. I had to sit with it, acknowledge it, but how? How do I do that without falling apart?

He knew I was feeling it, I could tell by the way he side-eyed me, watching me. Not wanting to look at me and make me feel pressured.

I silently thanked him for that. If he looked at me now, I think I wouldn't be able to hold it together.

My chest ached as I remembered her. Her bright blue eyes and her golden blonde curls. Remembering the time when I tied her hair into pigtails but she objected, not wanting to be a pig and insisted I tie her hair in a ponytail on the top of her head so she could be a unicorn. The way her high pitched and beautiful laughter would fill my ears when I'd tickle her. When she'd sleep in my bed not because she feared monsters, but because she wanted to be with me.

She was a force for good, not because she was a child full of purity, or because she could do no wrong, but because she hated when bugs would die, she'd cry when her friends got hurt, and she'd bring her plate back to my mother in the kitchen when she was done eating.

She was good. All of her, so full of love and appreciation for everything around her. A soul so incredibly kind, I found myself feeling envious over her generosity.

She was so inspiring. The way she still found beauty in the ugly, the love in the hatred, and compassion in the unworthy.

She taught me how to see people and things I would've overlooked at my age, seeing them for what they truly are. Everything has value if you really look, but she never had too. She always saw everything for what it was... beautiful.

Remembering her felt like a blade being twisted in my stomach, like swallowing sand and having a heart attack all at once.

Remembering her smile and the way she'd braid my hair; the small little segments I'd keep in for days and play with as I laid empty in my car. The sole thought of her keeping me sane.

Remembering the sweet little girl that kept me going in a world I was ready to abandon completely.

She was everything to me... absolutely everything.

I vowed that I would never talk about her, not with people that couldn't remember her the way that I did. I vowed that she would live in my memory as the fearless little girl that she was, without the tainted perception of others.

My eyes began to sting and I looked down, knowing the tears were about to fall.

Damien's head craned towards me, his eyes looking me over before they turned away. "Whatever happened to her, it wasn't your fault" he said quietly.

The tears fell from my eyes as I breathed deeply, trying to hold in the sob that inched its way up the back of my throat.

It was my fault. If I had moved faster, if I had protected her the way I promised I would, she would still be here. This is all my fault and nothing he says will ever change that. She was my responsibility and I let her down.

Damiens jaw worked as his eyes darted around the railing slowly, as if he was itching to say something, to do something but he couldn't bring himself to commit. A silent battle raging in his mind that he wanted to let out. His eyes looked down at my hand that was resting on the railing, and for a few moments he seemed to analyse it as if he was questioning the distance between us.

Did he want to hold my hand, did he want to console me but didn't know how?

A small smile plagued at my lips. Knowing that he wanted to help filled my chest with enough warmth where he didn't need to show me. It was evident that he wanted to, and that's all I needed.

His eyes drifted to the stars again and mine followed, feeling a sense of calm in the eye of the twisting storm that was my chest.

I didn't have any words, all of them left me when my tears fell, and Damien seemed to understand that by the way that he stayed quiet, giving me the room I needed to be vulnerable. I didn't think he was capable of such things; an unspoken tenderness and a silent regard for my emotional state. It was strange, but I appreciated it all the same.

He let out a quiet breath as he lowered his head, as if the tension in the air was thick for him too and it lacked the basic components of oxygen.

"I had a wife," he said softly.