You Belong With Me

22

Wednesday, April 28, 2021

As I laid on my bedroom floor staring up at my ceiling 'I bet on Losing Dogs' by Mitski screaming loudly in the background. After my shower yesterday morning I returned back to my room, took my jeans and hoodie that I was wearing on Monday and threw them out the window and as far away from me as I could.  Slowly finding out the silence was too loud to handle, I put my music on full blast and I haven't turned it off since yesterday. Feeling my chest burn I bring my hand up to the burn feeling before scratching myself as hard as I can. If I could, in this moment, I would want nothing but to rip the skin from my body off. A loud knock made its way through the music.
"GO AWAY MOM." I yell over the song as I sit up tucking my knees into my chest my baggy shirt so big it swallows my body.
"If this is your way of trying to get us to postpone the move, it's not going to work." My mom yelled just as loud back to me. Little did she know I now wanted the more to come faster. If I had to stay in this town for another week I would throw myself off the roof of this house.
"I said leave me alone." My words burn through my tongue.
"You have a guess." She says. The world around me going quiet. About 2 minutes pass before the door swings open and a very mad Ariana makes her way into my room closing the door be-hide her.
"What the fuck-" before she finishes her sentence she looks around my room, taking in the view of my bed frame that mattress is sitting next to it on the floor, my bedside table was across the room from where it normally sits and my clothes scattered everywhere.
"What happened?" She says as all her anger  that was in her system goes away and sends a  sympathetic look towards me.
"Nothing everything's good!" I say as I stand to my feet my baggy t-shirt, falling just above my knees, hiding my black Nike shorts.
"It's a mess in here." She says back as her eyes continue to take in the state of my room.
"I've never moved before I'm trying to figure out this whole packing thing." I lie straight through my teeth as I move around to pick up clothes and throw them into nearby boxes.
"You know you're leaving tomorrow?" She says back like it isn't obvious.
"Of course I've just been so busy with school you know I haven't had the time to pack." I lie again my back facing her.
"Can I help you?" She ask but before I can say anything, I hear her footsteps as she walks over towards a pile of clothes.
"You don't have to do that." I say, as for the first time since she's walked through the doors of my bedroom, I turned to face her, her blonde highlights better pulled up in a messy bun are the first thing I see as her back faces me.
"It's all good. Let me help." She smiles as her eyes meet mine.
"You look like you haven't slept in days." She continues as she goes back to folding a pile of clothes on my floor. Maybe because I haven't.
"It's probably the stress of the move you know?" I say as I turn giver her my back once again. Feeling lightheaded I sit on the ground as I begin to fold the pieces of clothing around me. For the last two days, I've done absolutely nothing. Okay, that's a lie. I destroyed my bedroom, hating the way it looked and how it resembled my past, I cried a lot and refused to eat. I felt like I lost total control of myself like my body wasn't mine anymore.
"You haven't been texting me back." She says just under a whisper.
"I- I" Not knowing what to say or where my phone was I shook my head closing my eyes quickly regretting it, my breath picks up as I open my eyes, taking in the scene around me. I am safe, I'm home. I'm okay. Nothings happening. I reassure myself trying to make myself stay present and not go back in the past.
"Are you okay?" Ariana says as she comes and sits by me, going to take my hand but before she can, I stand to my feet.
"I- I don't know where my phone is." I say as I begin to search for it around my room panicked.
"Margo calm down. It's okay." She says trying to reassure me as she also stands up, looking around my room.
"What are you doing?" I ask, as I stopped dead in my tracks, turning to face her.
"Helping you look for your phone?" She says like it's obvious taking a step towards me.
"No like here. Why are you here?" I say taking a step back.
"You weren't answering my text or calls I was worried." She says taking another step towards me as she pushes a loose strand of her wavy blonde hair behind her ear.
"Ariana stop." I say, lifting my hand to make sure I keep some space between us.
"Margo are you okay?" She says from the other side of the room, but for some reason, it still feels like she's too close.
"We- we- w- We were going to meet tomorrow. We'll talk about all of this tomorrow please, please I need a pack, you need to go." I say as I point towards my bedroom door my breath hitching at every word I say.
"Margo." She says breathless.
"You can talk to me, I'm your best friend." She says to me, begging me to speak to her.
"The move is crazy it's a lot to take in and I just need to be alone right now. I promise, me and my sister will drive by your house to pick you up tomorrow at 2. Okay? You just need to leave right now." I say, as I give her a smile, hoping to calm her nerves.
"It's just the move?" She asks this time, sending me a sympathetic smile.
"Yes." I say as I nod my head.
"Okay, text me." She says as she takes a step towards me.
"I will if I find my phone." I won't be looking that hard for it.
"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow." She says and with that she turns to leave my room.
"Please text me." She says as she turns to meet my eyes one more time. Her dark brown eyes fill with fear as she stares at the site in front of her; me and my trash room.
"I will." I lie straight to her face, my eyes not leaving her as she takes a deep breath before turning to leave my bedroom.