Siobhan decided that she could do this. She could live a good life like this, she just had to focus and learn how to make Roger really happy. They decided that their relationship was eventually going to end up in marriage, this was not the proposal but they decided that one day it should happen. It was an awkward conversation over cold toast on a Sunday morning. Siobhan had been awake all night thinking about women, wondering if every straight woman found other women attractive. In her entire life there had been an assumption that all people, no matter gender, thought women were more attractive than men. Then Mia happened and things felt different, she was worried that maybe the attraction to women wasn't standard straight woman behaviour.
As she stared at herself in the mirror everything was spinning. Things just kept happening and she couldn't stop them. She didn't want to face her sexuality, she didn't want to re-evaluate her view of gay people. She didn't want to be a dyke, the word in itself made her sick. Roger had used it to refer to one of the staff members once and Siobhan got upset, she didn't know why. The word felt ugly and at that point she actually kind of liked the woman he was referring to, it felt like he was trying to be mean. Her reaction was to defend her, to say that she wasn't a dyke, but the woman in question was gay. Out and proud, and married to a wonderful woman. She tried to compare it to the word gay or lesbian, she still didn't like it. She did not want to be gay, she was not a lesbian. Her mind was made up at this point and that might have been what prompted the discussion with Roger, she was going to be with a man, she was not a dyke.
She started to look at men, really look at them to try to figure out what exactly women wanted in a man. The men she studied were younger and more stereotypically attractive than Roger but she still didn't really get it, they were just men. It might not have been the best use of company time but Siobhan kept scrolling on her computer as she tried to find a man that was sexually appealing.
There was a knock at the door and she looked up. Autumn stood at the door. She was Roger's favourite child but everyone knew that Autumn hated him, she didn't like Siobhan either. It was fair enough to not like the cold-hearted gold digger that was fucking your geriatric father so even though she wouldn't admit it, Siobhan didn't have anything against Autumn. They were the same age, Siobhan was pretty sure of this. As she looked at Autumn in the doorway she wondered if in another life, maybe they would have been friends. Maybe they would have met in school and both been weird enough to not have any friends making them the outcasts that found each other. They might help each other study and even spend Friday nights watching movies together. For just a split second Siobhan pictures her and Autumn as teenagers on a mattress in some basement watching a movie and Autumn holding her hand under the blankets.
"Are you even listening?" Autumn's voice was cold and uncaring, much like her own. In truth she had not heard a single word.
"Sorry. What did you want?"
Autumn wanted to make some changes in the schedule and Siobhan did not second guess her. Aut is good at her job so no matter the feeling between them she trusts her to do her job. She watches her flip through files and the way her hair moves as she reads. She wonders if Autumn had any friends growing up, did she ever have a best friend to watch movies with. Siobhan can't stop herself from picturing them like teenagers again. They would laugh and one day Autumn would tell her about her first real crush. Siobhan would get sad and she didn't understand it so she pretended to be happy. When Autumn was afraid of him kissing her goodbye after their first date she would ask Siobhan to kiss her, just so she knew how it felt.
Siobhan is still in the office and as she watches Autumn, wondering what life could have been she feels how her stomach starts to hurt and how her breathing is becoming shallow. She feels trapped.
"I need you to go. I have a call"
"I'm almost done"
"Leave. Now." Siobhan doesn't look right at her, she picks a point right next to her eye to focus on, she hopes that she looks like she is in control, like she isn't panicking. For a moment it seemed like Autumn is going to say something, like she is going to ask her if she is ok but she doesn't.
"Fine" Autumn leaves and Siobhan is left horrified. She sits down at her computer and starts scrolling like her life depends on her. There has to be men she is attracted to. When she looked at Autumn it all came to her like almost like it was a totally normal thing to wonder about but as she looks at 'top 10 hottest men in the world' she feels nothing but discomfort and despair.
Siobhan was not religious, not at all, but that night in the bathroom she got on her knees. She asked the God she didn't truly believe in to change her, to take whatever she was and make her normal. There has to be a way, right? She didn't ask to be attracted to Roger, she didn't ask to be happy, she didn't ask to be loved, she asked God to take whatever made her feel this way about women and remove it. Her knees were going numb but she kept kneeling. Her hands were shaking as she bowed her head. Please. She stayed like that for almost an hour before she heard Roger shuffle around in the other room. When she looked in the mirror she didn't realize that she had been crying but her eyes were bloodshot and her face red. After washing her face she gave herself a final look in the mirror. Did it work?
https://open.spotify.com/track/18WFFUIsewmA8g31KAeo3e?si=054e5e468c7540f2
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Flailing
FanfictionSiobhan, angst nsfw smut but mostly story. About her inne life and why things played out as they did. Why is she like this? Will include Vivian and maybe even Shivian?
