Flailing

Part 4: Possessive

The plan to pray away the gay did not work and somewhere deep in her mind she never thought that it would. She didn't believe that anyone was born gay but she never felt straight either, most of her life she felt like nothing. To be fair to the situation no one had told her about gay people until in her teens and when she found out it was not from an educational standpoint but rather a homophobic one. She learned that it was wrong and disgusting so she didn't consider it, well she didn't consider it until now. She would see Mia around and she would mostly just be annoyed but sometimes it would feel sad seeing her. She saw how free she was, how funny and sarcastic she was, and that made her sad because she was not.

Roger had been a pain since the marriage conversation. It was as if something had unlocked in the man and all though he had always wanted to have constant contact now it was more like constant surveillance. He would call her on the way to work and ask her about her location. She knew that he had her location in his phone so she did not get the point of this. While she was at the office he usually would just text her, but now the handful of texts throughout the day had grown to closer to a hundred. He would call if she didn't answer fast enough and it was becoming distracting and straight up embarrassing. The other staff noticed and she felt ashamed, like she did something wrong. That night she told him off, this was not going to work. He was quiet and something in this was terrifying.

"I thought you wanted this life Siobhan"

"I do, it is just a little inconvenient" She was scared and she wasn't sure why but her hands started to shake.

"Why don't you just leave?" He was still seated at the table and Siobhan was halfway across the room about to pour herself a glass of wine. He was calm.

"What?" She stopped in her tracks.

"Well... If I am so terrible and such an inconvenience why don't you just leave?" This was not what she expected to happen and it took her off guard. She had nowhere to go and she wasn't planning on leaving him. She had just decided to marry him and all of a sudden he wanted her out? Where would she go?

"I didn't mean it like that"

"No, I get it. I am terrible for wanting to check on you. I am terrible for wanting to know that you are safe and that work is going well. I am terrible for wanting to take care of you" He was seated at the table and he was staring her down. Should she leave?

"No. I don't think that you are terrible. It's just..."

"Siobhan. Think very hard about the next thing that is going to come out of your mouth. I can have you out of here within an hour. You realize that, right? You can live in some shitty hotel while you try to rebuild that sad life you led before you met me. I know that you are with me for my money and I don't mind, but you have to listen to me. I can find someone else you know. Someone younger, prettier. Someone I don't have to constantly berate for her behaviour. Someone who takes care of herself. So, if you want out. Leave" He was serious and she never expected this. If anyone was going to be the one to leave it was her, he wasn't supposed to kick her out.

"I don't want to leave" She believed him when he said that he would kick her out, and she believed him when he said he could find someone new. She was expendable, she was nothing. He stood up and walked over to her and put his hand on her cheek.

"Smart. You'll never do better than this you know, but I could probably do better than you. You are lucky that I love you enough to let you stay" He removed his hand and left her there. His words echoed 'You are lucky', she didn't feel lucky but she was relieved, she was not homeless and he still wanted her around. At least he loved her, that is something right? She felt worthless, he was the only thing she had and he didn't care if she left him. She wondered how long it would take before he found a new version of her, an upgraded version of her.

What was she good for, she started to think about it and it made her spiral. There was only one thing she could think of, so she made herself that. She walked into his office, he sat there at his desk with a drink doing something on the computer.

"I'm sorry, baby" She walked up behind him and leaned over his shoulder as she put her hands on his chest. He didn't say anything. "I am really sorry" She whispered it into his ear and she felt him tense up a little. "Let me make it up to you" She walked around his chair and got in his lap, it was not the most graceful she had been but it was not the point. She looked at him, he wasn't bad looking but there was nothing she found attractive about him. Her hand found his cheek and she stroked it with care, like a mother might. She pushed some of his hair away from his face. "You know that I can make you happy. I'll do anything you want, just don't be angry with me" There was fear behind her words and she wondered if he knew that. His hands moved to her hips, it was a good sign. She kissed him, it was soft, the way she imagen people kiss when they are in love. It was slow and lingering, like she wanted it to go on and on. All of a sudden she felt his hands under her shirt and he undid her bra. He started to touch her breast and she didn't mind, men had done worse. He pushed her shirt up and he sucked her nipple into his mouth. She moved her hips as if she wanted the friction of his pants against her and she threw her head back while letting out a small moan. The thing about pretending to like sex is that you have to be subtle. Do not moan too loud and it has to be a reaction to something, like you have to think of what made you moan otherwise you risk sounding like it is performative. You should push your body close to them, to show that you want the closeness and comfort they provide you, and you have to find a way to fuck them with enthusiasm. So, you can't just suck dick, you have to love it, that is the hard part(pun intended). There are of course variants of this, some men want you to enjoy it, some want you to be bored or even grossed out, you just have to figure it out.

The evening was fine, he forgave her and she felt safe again. Things were back to normal, meaning that he would text her twenty times before her second cup of coffee and she would feel like she did something wrong every time she got home because she hadn't answered all of his messages. He got angry and she had to apologize over and over. After a while his constant messages weren't a big deal. The only thing to really bother Siobhan was the reaction from her co-workers and she dreaded the day a parent or someone of importance would notice how she had to be glued to her phone.

It took weeks before this fear became a reality, she had gone unnoticed or so she thought. Then it happened. She had been forced to deal with a parent and Roger just kept texting her and the parent made a joke calling him 'Mr. Possessive'.' They had met before but this time it was different, she was different and this was the first time Siobhan had noticed it. She was strong in her convictions and she seemed intelligent. She was quick with her comebacks, they had good banter, it didn't happen often for Siobhan.

She learned that the woman's name was Vivian. Siobhan could not explain why but it was perfect, she looked like a Vivian, whatever that means. She wondered if they would meet again, maybe even have a chat. That might be nice she thought as she made her way into the building again. She didn't realize it but she had a smile on her face as she returned to her office that day.