Flailing

Part 9: The Visitor

A/N: Guys, I think I am back!? So let's go! Some sexual violence in this one, nothing to graphic but be careful. Thank you for being so kind when I was struggling a little.

/N 

The sex was weird, it was always weird but Roger was going away so he needed to get his fix in. He wanted to dominate her and he wanted her to be his mommy. It wasn't something they ever talked about, things might have been better if they did, it might have been less scary and uncomfortable if they did but of course Roger would never. To Siobhan this had a very incestuous tone but she also knew that some people just love taboos, it doesn't make them bad they just like some more niche stuff. That was how she tried to frame it to make it ok.

He had been rough with her, he threw her around more than usual. He verbally berated her before he forced her to lay down and stay still. There was some kind of solace in not having to look at him as he forced himself on her. He liked to humiliate his 'mommy', she could feel how he actually spat on her. He spanked her, and it always got harder and harder as he got excited. If she cried things got worse but it is hard to keep it in when your body is screaming at you. She didn't like pain, some do but she didn't. He pulled out and came on her back, his hand moved across where she knew his cum just landed. She felt him leaning over her and he took his hand and he rubbed it all over her face. This was new and this was fucking humiliating. It got in her eye and it stung, she felt her hair sticking to it and she dreaded trying to get it out.

"Clean yourself off. You look fucking discussing" It shouldn't bother her, or at least that is what she tried to tell herself but after being told something enough you believe it and she was starting to really believe it. She showered and she tried to wash every part of him off her but his voice in his head was not going away. He would leave early tomorrow and that would mean that she basically was on house arrest, but it also meant that the day had come, the date she put on that note three weeks ago finally arrived.

There was no way that she could rest so she just laid in bed and waited for morning to come and for Roger to leave. It had happened before that he had to go out of town and here is what she had learned: He would check her location, even when she was in the house he would call. He made an effort to make the intervals random and that meant that it could be hours or minutes. If she didn't answer he wrote it down and for every missed call there was a punishment. She didn't give a fuck about punishment anymore, being confined to that house gave her nothing to lose but her dignity and her right to her own body; then again, she lost them a long time ago.

Roger called her three times that morning and then he stopped. She had copied his schedule and she knew that this afternoon he was in an important meeting. A meeting that would lead to dinner and drinks. He would not be able to call as much. Even though Roger made such a huge effort to break her down and to make her feel stupid, she was still smart enough to sneak a peek at his phone, his planned meetings, his email and the little book where he kept every single important meeting with the VIPs.

There was a knock at the door and Siobhan almost ran, no, she did run. Once she got to the door she stopped and she got scared. What if she opened the door and Vivian wasn't there. What if there was some door to door salesman or one of Roger's colleges. She took a deep breath and opened the door. There she was.

"Hi" Vivian said awkwardly as she raised her hand almost in a waving motion. Siobhan did not think about it as she grabbed her arm and pulled her into the house and into a hug.

"You came" She whispered.

"How could you ever doubt that I would?" They pulled apart and looked at each other. Vivian had never looked better and Siobhan... Siobhan had never looked worse. She had showered, her hair and make up was perfect but her eyes looked tired and sad, her body small and almost shrunken into itself. Vivian noticed that Siobhan's lips looked as if they were stained by red wine. Then she realized that she could smell it, Siobhan had been drinking. A part of her wanted to tell her off but another part was sympathetic to her situation and sometimes you just have to get through. It isn't always beautiful how people deal with hardship but it is beautiful that you survive.

Vivian put her hand on Siobhan's face.

"I missed you" She said and Siobhan pulled her into another hug.

"I missed you too" They stand like that for a while, neither wanting to let go. Vivian was a hugger but Siobhan was not, or maybe she was and she just never hugged the right people. When they finally pulled apart they went to the kitchen.

"Would you like some coffee?" Siobhan asked and Vivian took a long time before answering.

"I'll take some wine" The blond woman had her back turned to Vivian and she froze in place. She didn't know it was that obvious.

"I'm sorry" She whispered and turned around to face her.

"Don't do that. Don't apologize. You are doing what you have to, right?"

"But I shouldn't, not today at least... I just kind of got used to it and after ye-" Siobhan stops, she was about to say 'yesterday' and then she realized that she doesn't want Vivian to know. There was always this idea that she wanted to tell Vivian everything but this, it was too dark and too humiliating. There is silence and Siobhan starts to pour them some wine.

"Soooo... Are you going to give me the grand tour" Vivian smiled, it could be a joke but it could also be an out for Siobhan to leave the kitchen and the thing she almost said out loud.

"Sure" She smiled and started to guid Vivian through the house. They entered every room, well, except for one. There was a closed door and Siobhan walked past it and she kind of pointed at it as she said 'bedroom'; nothing more, nothing less. The phone rang and Siobhan left Vivian in one of the sitting rooms. Siobhan was still close enough to be heard but Vivian tried not to listen. It was a short call at least.

"He checks up on me and if I don't answer... Well, I have to answer." Vivian nodes at this. They finish the first glass of wine and Siobhan pours them another, Vivian wonders how many she had before she got there. As the tour ended Siobhan led Vivian into her favourite place in the house. It was the library and she told Vivian that she loved this room because it was furthest away from the front door. It was the furthest she could get from Roger while confined in this house. They didn't sit down on the sofa or in the armchairs that were beautifully positioned in the room but she slid down a wall and sat on the floor. Vivian did the same.

"I don't know what to say. I didn't think this through and in all honesty I was afraid that you wouldn't come"

"It's okay, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to. We can just sit on the floor like this"

"I never had a friend before" Siobhan says and then there is silence again. "People don't really like me"

"Maybe they just don't know you, I think there's a lot of things to like about you"

"I don't know if that is true. I feel like I don't have very much to offer the world, I never did" The words break Vivian's heart, how could she say that about herself?

"Why would you say that?"

"Sometimes I'm not sure that I'm even a person. Sometimes I'm pretty sure that I'm just a shell" Siobhan is looking at the floor in front of her. She is drunk; drunk enough to say how she feels out loud.

"That's not true and I think you know that"

"I've just been alone for so long and I don't know how to connect and if I even want to connect with people. It is like everyone got this handbook about how to live and about what you should be like but I didn't... I am not sure that I am alive sometimes, I know for a fact that I'm not living... Vivian, what if I'm just flailing?"

"Maybe you are" Siobhan finally looked at Vivian. She didn't expect that. "And maybe that is okay... Maybe we're all just flailing doing our best and maybe we will never feel like it is enough. Or maybe you just have to be brave enough to admit that you are flailing and that you need some help" Vivian takes her hand and it is like nothing she has ever felt before. She takes a deep breath and prepares herself to be brave. Tears are welling up in her eyes.

"I think I need help"