Flailing

Part 13: Mugs

Siobhan packed her things. She realized that she didn't have a lot of things. To be more correct she didn't have a lot of things that weren't Rogers or wasn't paid for by Roger as an apology. She didn't want it, but it was actually embarrassing how little she did have. Siobhan loved materialistic things, that was something that made her stay, something that was a pro to being with Roger. It became real and she was hit by the realization of what was happening. The reality was that she was giving up everything. She wouldn't have a job, nor a home and she started to panic. As her breathing got more shallow she sat down on the floor of her bedroom right next to the dresser. Siobhan had not reflected on it but she felt the most safe curled up on the floor, making herself as small as possible. She wanted to disappear and she wanted all of this to go away. It wouldn't, it wouldn't go away until she made it. She could not keep asking herself if she was alive or not. She could not keep asking herself if she was really living. She had to stop flailing and she had to get up off the damn floor.

"Siobhan?" She heard Vivian from downstairs. She knew that she had to go. If she didn't leave right now she didn't know if she ever would so she grabbed the bag, ran down stairs, took Vivian's hand and almost dragged her out the front door. She left her phone on the counter and she could not wait to never hear that damn ringtone ever again.

Once they got in the car everything got silent and both women realized what just happened. None of them regretted it but it was impulsive. Since this morning things had changed in a way they would never expect. What they just did was crazy and maybe even reckless but it was the right thing. Right?

Vivian didn't have a spare bedroom, she had not thought about this but Vivian was not the kind of person to put her guest on the sofa. As they arrived and Vivian had showed Siobhan around she told her that Siobhan would be staying in the bedroom.

"So... We are sharing a bed?" Siobhan asked. She was not opposed to it, she might actually really like it, she just didn't expect it.

"No! No... I am staying on the couch or on the floor in Jamie's room" Vivian didn't want to make the other woman uncomfortable and invading her privacy and personal space by asking her to share a bed felt wrong.

"Oh" Siobhan was relieved but still disappointed. She couldn't stop thinking about Vivian's hand on her thigh or the way her lips parted just slightly as Siobhan had gotten closer to her. "Viv, I don't want to kick you out of your own bedroom"

"You are not. I am kicking myself out" Vivian's smile was effortless and Siobhan wondered how the hell she managed that, to always have this kind of warmth about her. She wondered if it was something she learned or something some people just have from birth. If she worked really hard, maybe she could be warm. She stopped herself. No... That was stupid. "Still there?" Siobhan didn't realize that she had gotten lost in her own mind.

"Sorry" She looked back at Vivian and could see a sympathetic smile.

"I am just going to go and get Jamie. Get yourself situated. There is food in the fridge and tea in the cupboard" Vivian put a soft hand on Siobhan's upper arm and gave her a small smile then she made her way out of the house and Siobhan found herself alone. She was alone.

It was weird being left alone in someone else's house, she almost felt like an intruder. She looked at all the things Vivian had chosen to decorate her home with. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they live. Vivian had a lot of Jamie's artwork around the house, some of it was even framed. It told her that Jamie was the most important thing in her life because everywhere you looked you could see a little piece of the boy. She owned a surprisingly large amount of candles, Siobhan had not taken her for a person who loved candles, there is no real reason for this assumption but the candles still surprised her. The kitchen was small and it looked well loved. Vivian hadn't lived in the house for very long but you could still tell that her personality was reflected in her home.

As Siobhan went to make herself some tea she discovered that pretty much all of the mugs were mismatched and there were a lot of them. So, she collected mugs. It made Siobhan smile thinking about Vivian walking past a weird looking mug in the supermarket and exclaiming to the world 'This one! This one is coming home with us', Jamie would laugh at his mom and they would share a picture perfect family moment. Siobhan hopes that she is right, she hopes that they are just as happy as she thinks they might be. Vivian, if anyone deserves to be happy. She does start to picture herself in this little fantasy of an usual trip to the supermarket but then she stops herself and pushes the thought out of her mind, it was not for her. The happiness, the warmth, it was not for her. Roger's voice still echoed in her mind as she told herself that she did not deserve that. She did not deserve any of what Vivian has.

All of a sudden the door klicks and she hears shuffling in the hallway. Little feet running around and she hears Vivian's voice. There is no way to make out what she is saying but she sounds so happy when she talks to Jamie and it makes Siobhan calm. Vivian might be just as happy as she imagen her to be.