Flailing

Part 11: Toast

She knew that it was Vivian knocking at the door and she tried her best to come up with any reason to make her go away. She made her way towards the door and she couldn't come up with a lie. She could just not open the door but just as she thought it, there was another knock. Rationally she knew that Vivian wouldn't just go away and a part of her didn't want her to. A part of Siobhan wanted her so desperately to break down her door and just save her, just take her away. She would never admit it, it was a stupid dream, something a child would think.

"Open the door, I know you are there" Vivian yelled through the door. "Coffee is getting cold" Siobhan knew that she had to open, even if it was just to make her go away. So she opened the door. Siobhan had not looked at herself in the mirror. She fell asleep in her makeup, and woke up to hug the toilet. This is to say, she did not look her best but it was honest in some way or so Vivian thought. She had not painted over the cracks in the walls, there was truth in her appearance. She was tired, emaciated and hungover; she was real.

"Hi"

"Morning sunshine" Vivian didn't wait for Siobhan to move a side or invite her in, she snuck around Siobhan and for a second their faces were very close together. Siobhan could feel herself holding her breath.

"Viv, please... I really can't do this today"

"Ok, then we won't do anything. Get on the couch and I'll do the rest"

"The rest?" There was so much about Vivian that she didn't understand and this, apparently, was one of them.

"Just get on the couch and drink your coffee"

Siobhan heard Vivian move around in the kitchen, she heard bottles clink together and water running. It sounded like she was cleaning up. Then she smelled bread. Vivian finally emerged with a plate of toast and a glass of orange juice.

"When I'm hungover plain toast is the only thing that won't make me sick" She handed Siobhan the plate and started to leave the room.

"Wait"

"Don't worry, I'll be back. I'm just gonna take out the trash" She smiled and Siobhan thought that she must be the most astonishing creature to ever walk the earth. She took small bites of the toast and it actually felt ok. The coffee was getting cold but she kind of liked it like that. Once Roger called her gross for finishing her cold morning coffee before walking out the door. He always made her feel bad about the smallest things.

As soon as Vivian got back she plopped down on the sofa right next to Siobhan's feet, she started to move to remove her feet but Vivian put a hand on her leg.

"I don't mind, you can stretch out if you want" They looked at each other. Vivian held her gaze and Siobhan started to blush so she looked away to grab the remote. She put her feet in Vivian's lap. Vivian put her hand on her leg and Siobhan became very aware about everything. She remembered falling asleep with her makeup on and she realized that her hair must look a mess. The other woman could tell that something was off.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing, just that... Just that I must look terrible" Siobhan started to pick at her nails and she would not look up.

"Don't worry. I don't think that you could look terrible even if you tried" She can feel Vivian's eyes on her. "Wait... Are you blushing?" Siobhan felt a surge of cold shame course through her body, she should not blush, Vivian was just being nice. "Well look at that. I made the famous Siobhan Serpent blush. God, I bet not many people can say that" Siobhan still won't look at Vivian. "I'm sorry. Just pulling your leg" The phrasing is not the best because as she says it, Vivian's hand on her leg is all she can feel and it is almost like electricity.

There is silence for a while and Siobhan puts on some random nature documentary. She can still feel Vivian's hand on her and she notices how her thumb is moving, it is sweet and calming.

"I'm sorry about yesterday" Siobhan says, still looking at the tv.

"Why? What did you do?"

"I got drunk and I started telling you all these things and I..."

"Siobhan, look at me" Their eyes meet. "You did nothing wrong" She wants to believe her, she really does but she can't. "I can see you, you know?"

"What?"

"You do this thing. You shut down. You get scared, or sad, or something... Then you shut down. I see you" What are you supposed to say to that? "Please don't. I can take it, I want to take it. If you need to cry or scream, I'll take it"

"But it is not your fault. It is not fair"

"Love, in life few things are fair... It is not fair that you have to feel it" Siobhan sits up and puts her arms around Vivian, as she pulls away she realizes that she is now pretty much seated on her lap. She freezes and Vivian seems to do the same. Siobhan's eyes flicker to the other woman's lips, it almost seems like her lips parted, just a little. They both try to hide it but all of a sudden they both seem to be out of breath. Vivian's hand travels down Siobhan's back and for a second she is scared that she will have to let go, then the traveling hand moves to her thigh and she feels how Vivian's thumb makes the same comforting movements as before.

Vivian is confused. Not confused about what was happening, she knew this song and dance well. She was confused because this was not the plan. Vivian loved plans, she liked knowing what she was getting herself into, she liked a backup plan and an exit strategy. So it was confusing to Vivian that she ended up here. Siobhan was a beautiful woman but she was straight and she was trapped in an abusive relationship. They were just supposed to be friends but then she saw her, she really saw her and as she handed a hungover Siobhan that dry toast she wanted nothing more than to do this again, she wanted to make her toast everyday. And now she is finding herself with Siobhan in her lap and her hand on her thigh and it feels so obvious what comes next. She can see how Siobhan is starting to doubt herself, how the sparkle in her eye is dying.

"Don't hide"

"It's not your job"

"Let me" Vivian moves her hand slowly up the outside of Siobhan's thigh. "Let me take care of you" Siobhan eyes are big and she holds her breath as she nods and Vivian leans in. The phone rings.