Flailing

Part 6: Re-evaluate

When Siobhan found out about Vivian's sexuality she was taken off guard and for some reason it made her scared. She really liked Vivian, should she not like Vivian? It was an awkward silence and Vivian could tell that something was wrong.

"Are you really a homophobe?" She was genuine in the question, she wasn't angry but extremely confused. Steven, another parent, had told her that Siobhan was that way but she thought that it was terrible gossip or at least taken out of context but now it wasn't.

"Ehm..."

"Siobhan?"

"I'm not sure" She looked ashamed again.

"Ok, what does that mean?" She was using kid gloves with her right now, had it been anyone else she would probably just leave but it was Siobhan and she really did like her.

"I think that I am supposed to be, but I don't know if I do. I don't really care about other people so I don't think I care about that either" Vivian's eyebrows rose. It was not an answer she expected, but she didn't think it was a great answer.

"So, you don't dislike me?"

"No. Not at all" Siobhan was quick to answer as if Vivian was slipping out of her hands. "I don't dislike you at all" Vivian smiled at this reaction. She wanted to call her a little flirt, it was a joke but it felt too soon for someone who didn't know if they were a homophobe or not until this day.

"Siobhan, I know that I shouldn't tell you what to do. But I think that you should re-evaluate some of your values. I think that maybe you have different thoughts than the people around you. I would really like to know you, the real you"

Siobhan didn't even know the real her and she was aware of this. She never really found a way to express herself. She was left to her own devices and no one really talked to her about emotions. The values she had was based on the people who had played parts of her life, she could not pinpoint where the disdain for people was different from the people surrounding herself came from but she knew that Vivian was right.

"No it is ok, really. I think that sometimes I might need someone with a new perspective to tell me what to do" That sounded weird so she tried to save it. "Not that I want someone to tell me what to do, I already got that going for me" She made it worse. "Not that it is bad or anything I just mean-"

"Siobhan" Vivian puts her hand on top of Siobhan's. "You don't have to explain yourself" There is silence. Siobhan looks at their hands and Vivian pulls away as soon as she notices it. "Sorry" The words come out of Vivian's mouth as a whisper. "Can I just ask you one thing?"

"Yeah" Siobhan said. She wanted Vivian to ask her lots of things, she wanted her to know her. She wanted her to be her friend and she wanted to tell her all her secrets. That was a lot to put on a person so Siobhan decided that she would never tell Vivian about the desperation she felt, the desperation to confide in a friend, the desperation to tell Vivian.

"Are you safe?" It was puzzling. Siobhan didn't not think that she was in danger, she never had. Roger was flawed and at times mean but she wasn't in danger. She starts to get irritated and she starts to shut down.

"Of course I'm not" Her voice is back to the monotone tone used to keep people out and far away from her. "I think our time is up" They end on a bad note and Vivian feels guilt growing in her chest. It was too much too soon.

Siobhan made her way back to her office and she felt cold again, it was a mistake talking to Vivian at all. Vivian also felt bad, she knew enough about Siobhan now to know that her coping mechanism primarily was self isolation and she doubted that her recommendation to reflect on her values would take a hold. There is where she was wrong because even though Siobhan was sad and even angry, she also understood the care Vivian tried to show her and she knew that she tried to be a friend. There was an inner conflict, she wanted to let her in but she simply had no idea how.

Unknown number: I want to see you again

Vivian stared at her phone. There was only one person it could be. She knew what it meant that Siobhan messaged her from her cell phone, she took the risk of Roger finding out. She didn't answer. Siobhan sat at home staring at her phone, waiting for an answer. She didn't get one. She removed the conversation and turned all notifications off, that is how she tried to make sure Roger didn't pay too much attention to her phone. Siobhan felt hurt. She had put herself out there, she tried to make amends but Vivian didn't even answer. It felt cold, sad and lonely in Siobhan's huge bedroom as she tried to think of anything but Vivian, only problem was there was nothing else.

Vivian had good reason to not answer. She wasn't angry or anything, she just thought of the ramifications of her texting Siobhan and Roger finding out. There were still fresh memories of this happening in her own life and all though Siobhan said she wasn't in danger Vivian worried. She had come to care for her new friend although their relationship was still in the infant stage. One day she would tell Siobhan about her ex and Siobhan would understand, maybe even be a little grateful, not because something terrible happened to her too but for the trust that would build between them.

Vivian found herself at the nursery the very next day. She did not have a session booked for Jamie but she knew that it probably hurt Siobhan a little not hearing back from her. There were a lot of people in the nursery. Marjorie seems to be running back and forth between rooms and Charlotte was trying to wrangle more kids than she probably should. This also meant that no one was paying attention as Vivian made her way through the building. It was not a secret but Siobhan and Vivian had kept their friendship hidden, mostly because of Roger but it was also kind of exciting, like having a secret. She walked and she almost felt nervous. A deep breath and then she knocked, there was no answer so she opened the door. Siobhan didn't look up.

"I want to see you too" Vivian says and when Siobhan finally looks at her there are tears in her eyes.

"Really?" It is so quiet and she sounds so small. Vivian walks to Siobhan and hugs her. It is an awkward hug where Siobhan remains seated and Vivian kind of folds over to put her arms around her, but it is a hug. Siobhan can not remember the last time someone hugged her.

A/N: Guys, I feel like I am flatlining. This is not a cry for compliments, I just want y'all to know that I am going to finish this fic and it might be sooner than I thought because I want to write something different, maybe something a little more fucked up. I'm not sure and I just want to be honest and say that I am struggling a little. I have some stuff going on irl as well, everything is ok, but I think I'm drained. I am worried that if I take a break I wont get back to writing and honestly, it is a lot.  I don't expect any answers to this but I know some of you have stuck around for a while and you're kind of like my friends now, and I just want you to know that I want to write something better for you. Something more inspired...

Take care! /N