ineffable memories / / bucky barnes

[twenty]

TIME STAMP: PAST, 1945

Mournin' in the aerodrome

The weather warmer, he is colder

Four men in uniform

To carry home my little soldier

(What could he do? Should have been a rock star)

But he didn't have the money for a guitar

(What could he do? Should have been a politician)

But he never had a proper education

(What could he do? Should have been a father)

But he never even made it to his twenties

It was January 1945 when Katherine and Bucky last saw each other before meeting again as Kai and The Winter Soldier. It was yet another mission to try to dismantle Hydra, but this time it went wrong.

Before it got to that point, they said their goodbyes, hoping all would go well. Something inside Kai was giving her heartache—like she knew something bad would happen if they parted ways. But there was no choice.

"Don't think like that, sweetheart. I'll be back before you know it." Bucky whispered, placing a kiss on Kai's forehead.

"I know, I just ... I can't shake the feeling that something is about to happen that I can't prevent or change." She confessed, closing her eyes.

"You're not supposed to always prevent things from happening and you definitely can't keep trying to change what does happen. You almost died trying to get your mother back."

"We both know I would do it again if I hadn't failed." Kai sighed, looking away but then returned to meet Bucky's eyes. "Just promise me you'll be careful."

"I'll be so careful; they won't even realize I'm there." He smiled, trying to ease her mind. "Will you be careful?"

"I'll try to keep my opinions about men to myself and won't disturb anyone's peace." She complained with a smile, noticing Bucky was looking around at the soldiers getting ready. "This is it, right?"

"This isn't a goodbye, Katherine," Bucky said softly, before pulling her for a kiss. "But you have to promise: never forget me."

"I could never forget you no matter how hard I tried." She laughed and so did he.

"Neither could I, my love."

They stood there hugging and contemplating each other for a while before Bucky had to get going. Once Kai wished good luck to all the officers, Peggy got to her side and gave her a soft smile as they watched the people they most cared about leave.

"Wait for me!" Bucky said to Kai before he got into the jeep.

"Always, soldier." Kai replied with a grin and a playful roll of eyes.

"I love you, Katherine Lafleur. Wherever and whenever we are." He screamed, scrunching his nose for her to see. 

Kai was ready to answer but the seconds she didn't say anything, the jeep drove off leaving a trail of dust behind it. It wasn't until Peggy held her that she realized she was crying and shaking.

"Come on, sweetheart. Let's get you some rest." Her friend whispered.

A few days later, the news came around that the Howling Commandos would be back soon because they had to "recharge". To everyone, it was great news, but to Kai who was still shaken by fear, it was a hard day.

Once the sirens sounded and everyone ran to meet the soldiers, Steve was the first person Kai saw which made her smile because last time, her James was helping someone at the end of the line. But this time, Steve didn't smile back, nor did he move with the graciousness he always did. The second he stepped foot in front of her, Kai could see the despair through his eyes which meant what she feared the most.

"Steve, where's James?" Kai asked with a cracking voice.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I couldn't get a hold of him." Steve whispered and although he had the urge to hug Kai since they were the closest people to Bucky, he knew he shouldn't the second she started to tremble.

A wave of anxiety ran through Kai's chest as she stepped back to get some space without even being aware of her movements. Her hand was rubbing her chest because she couldn't breathe even in an open face and although she could sense someone was talking with her, she couldn't process it or anything.

It was a heartbreaking feeling and although Kai stayed quiet and without dropping a single tear, her grief was portrayed in another way: there were sudden screams as random objects and places started to get caught by a mysterious fire and although Steve couldn't prove it was related to Kai, he knew it. 

Once the emotions started to bottle up in her throat, she let out a shivering gasp, unable to contain her tears. Even though no one could understand what she was saying, everyone could feel the pain she was transmitting and as Kai's knees sank into the floor, it seemed like the ground trembled, and it kept going, until Steve broke her personal space and kneeled to the ground to be able to hug his friend.

"I never said it back." Kai finally managed to say between the hiccups and the heavy crying. "He didn't hear me say it."

"He knew, Kai. I promise you he knew." Steve whispered, controlling his tears but eventually being unsuccessful.