Diary of a broken kid

self-destruction

i've been battling with depression since my adolescence, and im not sure what exactly caused it- maybe my tragic childhood, my sensitive personality or the endless bullying and harassment at school.I always seemed to lose this battles , which lead me to a dark path of self-harm and self distraction.It quickly became the worst part of my life. When i didn't have weed to numb the pain, i would harm myself . It was a kind of relief , even though i knew how dangerous and stupid it was . But at the time, it felt like the only escape i had from this anguish life i lead .
When my dad first found out about my scars , he didn't react with concern or understanding. Instead he blamed me for it , as if i done something to disgrace him. I don't think he cared about me- he cared about other people's opinions . My mom , on the other hand, crumbled into tears and begged me to stop . But i couldn't stop. I was already deep into it .
Whenever i tried to quit , the minor inconvenient would send me to the never ending loop. Self harm had become my new way of coping , no matter how wrong i knew it was .
Then when i thought it couldn't get any worst, i was diagnosed with psychosis . A mental illness that made me hallucinate . Once, i hallucinated about my dead grandfather . Seeing him, hearing him calling my name , it was terrifying . This illness pushed me even further to the edge, and one night i finally had enough. I attempted suicide.
It was a cold, gloomy night . I was desperately craving weed , but unfortunately i had none. The darkness in my mind felt unbearable . So i took my mom's medication , swallowed it and waited .Finally , i blacked out . I woke up in the hospital in the next day , with my mother by my side , her face soaked with anguish tears . My mom told me that i shouldn't have tried to take my own life . But i had no hope left . Life was meaningless to me , nothing but painful .
And my dad? He was indifferent , colder than ever . He couldn't have cared less about me . If anything he seemed to hate me more after that night . That was the worst part of it all