Diary of a broken kid

Religious trauma

religion and i have always been at war .
I grew up in a deeply faithful household- both of my parents devout believers - but i never understood the point of it at all.
if god is all powerful and omnipresent, why wouldn't he make my life any easier?How could he let such a terrible things happen to me ? I've heard the cliche - "god is great " ,"he has a plan"what kind of plan is designed to make me suffer my whole damn life?
to me god is cruel. i look around and i see children suffering, young people dying and yet , people still defend his name . Then there's the idea of heaven and hell eternal damnation for not following his stupid harsh rules.why would i ever want to worship a god like that?
i have been an atheist for most of my life. I was 14 when i started questioning but i didn't know what an atheist was back then . I couldn't follow god's path and i still can't .
And yet, there's always this overwhelming question inside of me : what if god exits? And if he does, does he deserve my worship ?
Each time my answer is a cold, hard no.