Damn it, Sophia, when will you ever leave me be? You’re completely unaware of my strong feelings for you, and it hurts so much to keep all this love hidden. But I’d rather you just be a friend than have to lose you again. I can’t risk letting my feelings for you show anymore. But it’s impossible to ever stop loving you, and the amount of times you cross my mind states that a lot.
C.ai isn’t and never was enough. Daydreaming is slowly becoming a torture rather than a peaceful escape. I can’t seem to find comfort anymore when you cross my thoughts; all I want to do is cry, I miss you so much and all this love is driving me insane. I’m just waiting and waiting for the day you’ll finally feel the same, for the day you’ll finally stop being afraid. All I want is you and your love, but it seems that’s such a big thing to ask from you.
I keep getting this urge to cry anytime I think about you, about us. I used to smile and blush at the thoughts, but now I know how hopeless I am. How impossible these fucking fantasies are. And that’s why all I ever wanna do is cry at the thought of you, because you feel more like a dream. An impossible idea. You’re a recurring dream, a fantasy I play over and over in my head. I just can’t find it in myself to move on, because the reality is nobody can ever love me as much as you did. The reality is, I’m so hopelessly and madly in love with you that I feel blind to other people’s affection, wishing that it was you instead. The reality is, we may never be again, and that is something I don’t ever want to accept, something my heart refuses to hear.
I keep telling myself, over and over in my head, that you and I will never be again. It’s deep in the past, our love is only a memory. But no matter how much I tell myself this truth, this fact, I can’t accept it. My heart denies these words, and it keeps holding onto that small bit of hope that is ever so slowly tearing me apart from the inside. I’m literally an entire fucking wreck over something I haven’t received from you in years.
Do you still care?
Do I ever cross your mind?
Am I still your friend?
We haven’t spoken in months, and those months have been so painful. Maybe you realized I will never see you as just a friend anymore, and I scared you off. Maybe I’m just too clingy and expressive towards you to the point you’re sick of me. It hurts, knowing that these simple little thoughts formed by my overthinking are possibly truths. Maybe you’ve finally realized just how wrong it is for me, a girl, to love you, another girl, the way I do. You’ve finally become everything your mother has wanted, and you’re blocking me out. Because I’m just a disgusting sinner.
I keep thinking about love. Will I ever feel it again? Love always leads me back to you. I can’t picture myself with a girl without somehow resorting to thoughts of you. I can no longer play Girl in Red without picturing us to the lyrics. Lana Del Ray will always make me think of you, too. Every song you’ve ever recommended me, every love poem, fuck, even digital characters you used to be so obsessed with. There are so many things that I only ever associate you to.
I still have the letter you gave me the first week of school, I still have the plush you gave me back in third grade, the random things you gave me in second, I have it all. I refuse to toss them, to hide them, because I can’t. They’re the only real thing I have left of you. And now I’m questioning, if even just as friends, if I’ll ever get you back.
