Crying and crying endlessly. Everytime I think these pathetic tears will stop something triggers them and I'm sobbing again. Three hours of tears and tears for you. And you don't care. You don't fucking CARE.
Don't ever lie to me again and say that you do. Because if you genuinely cared, if you thought of me as a genuine friend, if you had a fucking HEART, you would be in pain too. And you would have tried harder to keep me, instead of easily giving me up so many fucking times!
I guess I'm worthless. Unwanted. Easily replaceable. Not worth your time, your efforts, your love. I am not worth bothering with.
And what I hate so fucking much, unfortunately isn't you. It is what you are doing to me, and what you continue to do to me. And the unsettling thing is I'd let you do whatever the fuck you pleased, just so I could call you mine.
You do not deserve me. But god, oh god, that doesn't stop the ache, the craving deep inside my chest that I have for you and only you.
But you don't deserve anymore chances. You do not deserve all this love I have for you. You do not deserve my respect. My appreciation. My affection.
But if you walked back into my life, I'd give it all to you anyway.
Do you think?
Do you consider?
Are you even fucking aware of all the godamn PAIN you have caused me? All the tears?
The past 4 years of my life have been a huge lie.
You're nothing but a liar who gives empty promises.
God, that feels so wrong to say, because the idea of insulting you hurts me more than it will ever hurt you.
You clearly don't understand.
And honestly, you never will.
I am so angry, so pissed, so fucking irritated towards everything you have done to me. And yet I struggle to be angry at you. The source of all of my pain.
This love is such a sickening feeling, it's suffocating and I hate it.
I hate loving you.
But it wasn't always like that.
And that's where you fucked up. You made me hate the thing I loved to do absolutely most in my life; it feels so gross and exhausting and painful to love you.
And as much as I've admitted that I never want to stop,
Now I really fucking wish I could.
You're no longer the biggest love of my life- you're my biggest regret, my largest pain.
Maybe, as always, I'll admire you once more. Say that you're the sweetest person alive, that you do no wrongs.
But all of those are honestly bittersweet lies I tell myself. Because I don't want to fucking hate you. I can't.
Or can I?
Honestly, you give me the worst emotions ever felt. Yet all at the same time, they were the best emotions of my entire life.
One girl. One fucking girl.
In four years, the four years I've been so desperately waiting for you to come back after every leave, I have only dated one other person. One girl.
I've had so much patience, because I believed that you would keep your promise.
But who am I kidding?
We're just kids. And you were never meant to be mine. You weren't my soulmate. You weren't the one.
You're a lesson. A dreading and painful lesson.
You taught me how to love so strongly. You taught me patience.
But you also taught me that I am absolutely unwantable.
And I wish I could feel the same for you.
Maybe I will? I can only hope.
I want to hate you, yet it's so fucking hard for some reason. You can move on with your life so easily, drop out of school and cut ties with everyone, become happy,
And I'm stuck here. Right where you left me.
You still refuse to give me a proper goodbye.
So, I think it's time I take the initiative.
