It's been over a year since you've started doing this on and off thing, ignoring and blocking me and then suddenly re-entering my life. Practically two years since I've seen you in person. And yet here I am still so fucking madly in love with you, crying for a motherfucker who so obviously wants nothing to do with me.
And what I find most fucked is that I'm still waiting. Waiting for that day you come back into my life; I don't even care if you stay anymore, I just want you back! As long as you keep coming back I won't care about how often you leave. Something tells me this is sickly insane and so fucking terribly wrong but I need you. I need you so bad and my love life and friend life is an entire mess without you.
I miss when your mom would take us both out to grab Takis and Nachos from that one shop; sometimes I try and seek it out when I drive nearby the area.
There's always a sharp, mental pain in my chest. That aching hole you left. You took such a huge piece of me with you when you left, and you keep taking more and more every single time you leave me.
I can't help but cringe at the feeling of remembrance; February of 2023. Sobbing in a closet at my cousin's birthday party because you left me again. Just as all my happiness seemed to return, just as I started feeling confident, feeling like life was good because you were back, you left me the next day with seemingly no problem.
I still remember the spike in my heart receiving that text from your mom. The way I seeked shelter and curled up for god knows how long. Crying and rereading messages all whileI begged you to stay.
Do you even remember?
Do you remember anything?
Our love? Was it even real?
Are you even aware of all the love and pain you made me feel?
Sometimes I wish we never met. Or, that we never loved each other. Because damn, this sucks. Knowing that even if you do decide to return to me, you wont stay long. You never do.
I want to say it's funny, but it's not. It's fucking pathetic. And what's even more pathetic is that I let you walk into my life, knowing it will always end the exact same way. You will never change.
But, what if you do?
Such a stupid impossibility keeps me hoping.
How pathetic you've made me. A fool I am for the love you haven't given me in years. A fool I am for the embrace I've never experienced. For those lips I've longed to feel. Those hands I miss to hold.
What a fool I am for you. A girl, who is not so fool for me.
If you do love me, if such a probability is even real, then you're doing an awful job of showing it.
You don't mention me to your friends?
You don't think of me?
You don't miss me?
I mention you to my friends almost constantly.
I think of you so fucking often.
I miss you more than I should.
But you don't feel the same.
How do you expect me to assume you feel, when all you give me are signs of distance?
I still wished we had the chance to kiss. To cuddle. To embrace. More sleepovers would've been nice. And I would've loved to hold your face, play with your hair, kiss your forehead..
Oh how I wish I could do all. If only I could express all this pent-up love I have for you.
Nobody could ever love you as much as I do. I know that's true. Nobody.
Nobody.
No matter who you find, who you love, their heart could never compare to mine.
But even then, you won't see, will you?
You can never see. Blinded are you at the expression of my love, my admiration.
Fool am I for you, the girl who is anything but a fool for me.
