Damn it. You're practically on my mind every single night now. I may not write nightly, but that doesn't mean you don't cross my mind.
I feel like crying as I recall all the memories I still have of us.
Third grade, when you gave me the fox plush, a dreamcatcher, and a few random toys. I still have all that.
Third grade, when we used to always play in the grass and under trees together with all the little toys you brought for us. I remember how happy I felt hanging out with you.
Third grade, during p.e with Ms. Miguel, we were learning the “Cotton Eye Joe” dance. I remember how I smiled so hard it hurt when we danced together, arms intertwined. I still smile at the thought.
Third and fourth grade, we were always p.e partners. I remember Ms. Miguel always questioned me whenever you weren't by my side. I couldn't seem to let you go, you were and still are my greatest friend.
Fourth grade, when we would always be so obsessed with doing flips together on the bars. We acted as if we had our own class, pretending we were teachers as we taught Molly and Mia how to do certain flips.
Fifth grade, it was a little difficult to talk to you because of the strict covid rules, but I still remember running around with your hand in mine as we did stupid things.
Sixth grade, when we would always walk around the field or sit on the bench, just talking on and on about our future and how we pictured our first apartment to be.
Sixth grade, when you didn't like my boyfriend, you told me you loved me. You said you could treat me so much better, so hearing that, I left him. I didn't regret that at all, and you were so right. You treated me so much better than he did. You treated me better than anybody I've ever dated.
Sixth grade, when we started dating. Holding hands, complimenting each other profusely, always smiling because of one another. I never wanted to leave your side at the time. You were the greatest love of my life.
Sixth grade, when we broke up, I started ignoring you. I was in pain, claiming that I hated you, when that was a deep lie. I avoided you because I still deeply loved you at the time, and I didn't know how to continue talking to you.
Sixth grade, when we got back together, I really couldn't say no. You're too important to me, and I would kill to have you as my love again.
The 4th of July, 2022, when we went to your church together and watched the fireworks. We ate ice cream, laughed and smiled. I remember it was getting dark out, you were eating out of a tub of vanilla ice cream, and you told me to record you. It was silly and stupid, yet I still have the video. I had so much fun that day. Even though I hate church, if it was for you, I'd go every and any time you wanted.
Seventh grade, the month school was starting, we texted each other every night. I still reread our texts from time to time, missing the days you said I love you and meant it in more than just a friendly manner.
Seventh grade, when we were so excited to match outfits on the first day of school. I remember I practically couldn't sleep the night before because of how I couldn't get you out of my mind.
Seventh grade, when we exchanged little love letters. I wrote you a letter almost everyday, because I was just so happy to have you as my girlfriend again.
Seventh grade, when we wrote our initials together in my notebook, when we always held hands and sat at that one specific table with Kaydin and Alexie.
There are so many other memories I have that I can't recall exact dates to. All I know is that I seriously can't stop all the love and pain in my chest, targeted only towards you.
I love you so much, Sophia. It's causing so much mental and physical pain, yet I never want to stop. Because maybe we can be again. And that small thought, the small hope I've been holding onto, feels quite worth all these emotions.
I'm clinging tightly to the “sausage cat” and fox plushie you gave me. I miss you so much. Because to me, you're the best person I've ever met.
My best friend,
My lover,
My soulmate.
And if you don't ever want to date me again, that's okay. All I want is for you to be back in my life. Even if you hate my guts, even if you were to treat me like crap which I know would never happen, I would still appreciate just being around you.
You've left me on read again. Four days ago. I noticed you blocked me, yet I refuse to remove our chats. I can't let go, and it's slowly killing me. Yet all I do is seem to grip tighter to this one-sided love, keeping every single ounce of my real feelings for you hidden. I guess that didn't work. You still can't text me.
I miss you so much.
