Did you ever really love me?
Why would you ever love me?
You were so pure and amazing. I didn't deserve a soul like you.
Why did you love me? Why did you bother to confess if you knew your religion went against it?
I don't blame you. I can't blame you. I know you're scared of your mom and how she perceives you. But did you ever love me to begin with?
You left me so easily.
And not just once.
Asking this question to myself over and over again hurts.
Why?
I don't understand why. Why am I still waiting? It's been almost four years. You can't even be my friend without the fears of your mom finding out.
Can we really work?
Can we really stay in each other's lives anymore?
That thought pains me too much. You're my best fucking friend. My best friend. I really love you so, so, so much that sometimes I regret ever dating you. Never because of you, you're great. You're the reason the word perfect exists. But I wish we had never dated, because then maybe everything would be okay. We would be friends. Happy. Together. Talking about classes and the graduation coming up.
It hurts not having you by my side because of a damn religious belief. Because of the fucking fear your mother seems to install into you.
Why do I love you?
Why am I waiting?
Will we ever actually be again? Is such a fate even possible?
Why do I believe you would ever actually choose me over your own mother? Over her expectations?
You left me once, I was fine. I trusted you. I understood.
You left me twice, I was upset. But I still understood. I knew it would be foolish to blame you.
You left again. It hurt. It hurt so bad. I cried in a fucking closet in the middle of a party. I was hurt. I didn't think anything besides not again.
You leave me again and again, only to come back just to leave me again. Again and again. When will it end?
Why do you come back in the first place if all you ever do is leave?
Why do you do such pointless things?
I want you back in my life. But not so you can leave again.
I feel so sick and tired of it. I can't believe I'm saying this but I am tired.
I still love and ache so deeply for you, I still want you as my future. But can I really keep letting myself believe that it really can happen?
All you do is leave me. All I do is get hurt all over again. And then I miss you. I miss you for so long. And it's fucking pathetic. This cycle has been an endless loop for two fucking years. Nothing is going to change.
I need to wrap my head around this fact.
You don't love me.
You don't appreciate me.
You don't need me.
I will never be a choice you will make.
I am simply your temporary escape.
Something you go to when you're bored.
You don't love me.
You don't want me. Not for anything.
So why the fuck am I waiting?
“True love comes in time and patience.”
Three years, going on four; All I've been is patient.
I've been sitting here waiting for you to come back and praying that it will change. That when you stay, it will be permanent.
How naive I've allowed myself to be.
I'm thinning. I can't believe I've allowed myself to believe you're coming back.
You will never stay.
Not for long.
You'll come back just to leave.
Over and over again.
Right now, I can't help but think “fuck you”. But I still love you. Oh so much.
But should I keep waiting?
Something tells me I'm going to keep running back to you every time you walk back into my life.
Maybe this love is endless.
An endless fucking hell.
