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Chapter Thirty Two

NERISSA

    That cold gaze of his hurt me in ways I can't describe. Why? Why did I care and why is he so mean? Every word he says he says it with such vindication that I am left feeling like he can not mean is more. It is as if he would rather be doing better things. I am inconvenient to him and sure, I know he wasn't thrilled to do this with me but I had believed that the way he felt had changed over the days spent together.

I definitely have changed and my feelings towards fallen have as well. I am good, I do not break the rules, and I live a nice life – lived a nice life. Until I fell from Lani and upon his doorstep. I was a good girl who sat down and read her books, treated many people with kindness and respect, and was excited for life. I wanted to stay happy in my small little island of paradise.

Today is no different, I still feel that way, but I also feel something entirely different. A yearning for adventure, but where adventure lies, danger is not far behind and I crave the safety of knowing than I do the fear of the unknown.

    Anakin is right. Maybe I should have taken Cupid to bed but it feels so wrong to think about. I want a child more than anyone will ever know, but I can't grant myself one without someone else and that makes me anxious. A child is a big deal and you have to raise it and love it and I have read stories about parents who split up or one parent dies and the other is left to mourn. I can not have a child with someone unless I really believe they are the one for me.

    And while I love Cupid, I can not love him in that way. I want to experience true romantic interaction – intimacy, connection, sex. Sure, you see it with most people in Lani but I have never found anyone there.

    The stories I have read are all about connections between two people who are so similar that they could be the same person. I have found no one like me, not really, and worst of all I have found the complete opposite in Anakin.

    And yet.

    That is what we are. I hate him, despise the ground he walks on, and yet my heart does not quite feel all the hate my brain spews. We are fire and ice, sun and moon, life and death, salvation and damnation – forever opposites. And yet one can not exist without the other. One shouldn't exist without each other, it would go against the natural order of things.

    I can not stop what I feel for him, in all this swirling of hatred, there is this underlying swell of emotions that is doomed to explode. I can not let it, will not, not when I am so close to the finish line. Not when I am so close to Lani.

    My chest burns as I cough, sharply and continuously. I don't know how much longer my lungs can take this. I might actually die before I even get to Lani. Of a cold but I am so close, I can feel it in my bones.

    The forest around us is glowing in spirit. The flowers here come to life more at night. Their colors are much more prominent at night. Especially the blues in the nectar on the flowers. Little specks of pollen that look like fairy dust coat the flowers and air around me.

    I have never seen fae before, the stories of them are ancient and most of them riddled in lies. But in the stories fairy dust is supposed to give people the ability to fly and it is a lot like a magical substance in other stories, but that's all they are. Stories. As much as I am aware, the only things to exist are the gods and angels. There is nothing beyond it and you are in the wrong to question such a thing. I do not want to break any more rules than I already have.

    I bite my cheek in confusion as we continue walking. I want to see what really is out there, I know I am not supposed to question anything, but I think about outside of Lani all the time and now that I'm out of it, a part of me doesn't know how much I want to go back. There is just so much to see and do, and I don't think I was ready for this journey to end.

    I have experienced a cold for the first time in my life. I also discovered heat that isn't humid. I have experienced so much but I was still a princess of the angels and nothing was going to change that. As much as I want to discover more, I belong in Lani as their princess and I am ready to serve.

    And as princess of my people, I feel like my experience in Gehena will serve them well. With my experience, I want to discuss the border and bring it down. For the betterment of all, I have seen that Phanes does not tell the whole truth. In all of my time in Gehena, I have not seen one school, one good thing that the fallen experience and yes, they have been said to be undeserving of what we have but when we have so much, I have to question why they don't deserve the basics. There is so much for my people to see and do and I have so many plans.

    I am lost in thought, watching creatures scatter around the floor and run after each other, happy to be in each other's company. I want that. A companionship that is forever. Elsira is a good friend, but I know she is only there because she has to be. It is her duty to take care of me, I want someone who wants to take care of me.

    I want to be loved.

    There is no doubt, I have a perfect life and maybe a little spoiled one, considering my position, but I am only an angel. I need things that make me feel and live and breathe, I need reasons to survive that don't surround my people.

I am incomplete. There is no place for me to find myself, though, not really. It isn't possible to blame the lack of things for what is wrong with me, especially when I didn't starve like Anakin did. I have it great and I want my people to explore too.

    We just have to find the man to talk to though. I did at least. I just know Phanes will understand and see my vision. I smile softly thinking of his approval and what I would give for it.

    He will love this idea. I'm sure.

    I focus on what is in front of me to see Anakin walking the stones to get us to where we have to go. We are in the South so, I know we are getting closer to being home. Anakin stops, abruptly. The hairs on his arms raising in anticipation.

"What are you doing?" I ask and he placed a finger up.

    "Shut up. Something is here."

I roll my eyes. "What could be in here? There are no more monsters after Evangeline... right?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

    "You are right, there are no more monsters after Evangeline." A deep voice says with amusement in his tone and I stumble back.

Anakin stares at the spot where the voice came from just before a man steps through the trees. "Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me," Anakin mutters.

    And I see him smile at someone for the first time.