Malik - Z.M (Book 1, Malik Series)

51.

Pacing and pacing.

I wouldn't have been surprised if I had walked back and fourth for the hundredth time.

My heart was aching but I know that I shouldn't feel this way. I know I should move on and forget everything like I said.

Once I leave, I'm leaving Alissa here too.

I can't keep beating myself up for the little things I did to Zayn when he's done much worse to me.

The thing is, I don't think he feels guilty for doing all those things to me and it bothers me more than it should.

I continue to beat myself up for confessing my love for him last night when I look at the bed. My thoughts race to his vulnerable and open gaze when he told me to repeat it.

I love you.

I never really said those words to another guy before. Maybe when I was young, but sadly, I never felt so strongly.

Is it because what I feel for Zayn is always strong, even if it's more than just love.

A growing hatred feeling blossoms inside of me when I'm reminded of the things he's done and how he had killed Taylor.

Long goes the thought of me pointing a gun at him.

I never pulled the trigger. I hesitated for a long enough time to get shot by Connor but Zayn, it was easy for him to kill Taylor.

He didn't hesitate.

I look up at the ceiling as tears, more fucking tears fall down my face.

I try to blink them away but it only encourages them to fall even more.

I don't bother wiping them away.

Tears were meant to fall.

"Kitten, why so hurt?" Yaser questions, causing me to jolt from a fright.

I clutch my beating heart and sigh quietly as he coos me.

I didn't hear him come in.

"What's wrong?" His expression is deeply concerned.

"I can see why you don't want me in the picture now." I shrug sadly as I plot myself on the perfectly made bed.

Sighing quietly, I blink my tears away, causing them to fall.

"I'm a fuck up. I just messed up their relationship." I shake my head and wipe whatever tears I can catch.

"They'll be okay, Alissa." Yaser says quietly, gently almost.

"I heard them arguing." I murmur sadly.

I never wanted to get involved with Zaidan, but I fucked that up.

Should I feel guilty? Why doesn't Zaidan feel this way.

I frown and pierce my lips together in a grim line while more tears continue to fall.

Sniffing, I look up suddenly as if it'll help.

I don't want to cry!

I frown to myself.

"You're a very strong girl, Alissa."

I look down and shake my head. "Yeah because having an anxiety attack is strong and all."

I feel my chest as If I could feel the drowning feeling.

I don't want to experience that again. The fear of dying, unable to breath almost.