Chapter 20: Living in shame.

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Last night after I came back from Jessie's drunk I was not myself and had a bit of a breakdown but I managed to tell my parents what Eli did to me, I'm still so shocked that I managed to do that but at the same time I feel relief although I feel so ashamed. As I rise from my bed I realise I am not in bed,I'm on the sofa and the sun is beaming through the blinds like a lazer burning my eyes. Oh shit, what time is it? I toss my body off the sofa and look around me. I can hear the sound of cereal being poured in the kitchen and decide to head in. My dad is stood there by the table pouring a bowl for my mum who is sat at the table with a piece of paper and pen in hand, they both have a serious look on their faces,my dad one of anger and my mum one of sadness, as I step into the kitchen one foot infront of another they both look up from the sheet of paper and at me.

I see my dad's angry face turn to worry instantly at my appearance in the kitchen, and my mum looks a little uncomfortable,it makes me feel slightly ashamed the way she looks at me,as if I've done something disgusting.
"Ellie...Good,sit down" mum points to the seat opposite her at the table and keeps her eyes down towards the table as she talks to me.
I shift uncomfortably in the seat across from her and she doesn't look at me once, I feel frustrated but before I can say anything to my mum, my dad places a hand on my shoulder and crouches down to my chair height. "Ellie how are you feeling this morning? Can I get you anything?" He is trying to smile at me but his eyes look so sad. I smile at my dad and nod "Could I get some pain relief?" I have a hangover headache, Ack! He nods and pats my shoulder before grabbing me a glass of water an aspirin, my mum decides at the moment to shift her eyes to me, she looks slightly pissed at me, her eyes aren't soft like my dad's,I feel myself twitch a little in discomfort in my seat.

After I get my pain relief my dad takes a seat next to me and looks at my mum expectantly. "Right, Ellie." Mum sighs loudly as if this is all an inconvenience for her "Last night, do you remember what you said when you came back...drunk" She sounds skeptical and I almost feel like I'm being treated like a criminal. I gulp nervously as I remember exactly what I said last night when I got back, "yes" I nod. I see my dad's sadden. "Do you remember what you...accused, your brother of doing?" My mum shoots me a dismissive look and my dad looks at her "accused? You saw how distraught she was" he shakes his head at my mum and rubs my shoulder. My mum continues "what you said last night was very serious, if your lying you need to-" my eyes widen in shock and anger "Lying! I wasn't lying! Do you know how hard it was to tell you both!" I stand from the table instantly and start to feel my eyes sting with hurt, my dad shakes his head "I know Ellie, I...we believe you! Your mum just needs, she just needs to process this,we both do. But Ellie,you ne-" my dad is cut off by mums voice "If your serious about this you need to write down everything that Eli has done,if he has done anything Ellie"my mum looks as though she has switched off from the conversation, she's clearly irritated as she pushes the piece of paper and pen towards me, my dad's eyes are watering as he points at the paper "you need to write the dates of what your broth-, what Eli has done, and im sorry Ellie but please put all you can remember on here as it will be important,I'll sit with you for support as you write and then once you've written everything we can go to the police." My dad is tearing up now and trying to hide it, my eyes widen in fear and shock,I don't wanttotalkin detail abouttheawfulthingsthathavehappened, eli told me for so long if i said anything noone would believe me,what if they don't.
"Where is Eli?" My mum shakes her head in frustration 'he stormed off last night after you...accused him,he's at a friends" I nod. My dad goes to speak "But Ellie,dont worry he won't be coming back he-" mum interrupts "Hold on! She drunkly said some outlandish things last night! Eli said it wasn't true! We can't just-" im so angry I slam my fist into the table and stand up "You don't believe me!?" I cry out, "why would I lie about this mum!". "OFCOURSE, I...we, believe you Ellie,everything makes sense now...the crying, the eating...you've been hurting and..." my dad grimaces in disgust "and your own brother...my son,is why" Dad looks as though he's about to bawl tears, mum shots up out of her seat and gives me a begrudging look before shouting "no! I...cannot believe... I WILL not listen to this" She sharply leaves the kitchen in a strop.

What have I done.

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