Faulty Trust || Katie McCabe

28

In some funnily sickening way, Sabrina Carpenter's decode crackled through the speakers of my phone when I clicked shuffle. I almost choked out a laugh; it was fucking ironic. I was about to attempt to get my shit together after crying myself to sleep in Leah and Wally's arms the night before, but Sabrina seemed to have other ideas because the next thing I knew, I was slumped on the floor at the edge of Leah's guest bedroom staring up at the ceiling. Listening as the lyrics began.

'You're good at the giving too much then getting scared,' described Katie's actions last night, and the strangled laugh I let out deceived my true emotions.

I was devastated.

Just when I thought we'd finally gotten past everything for real this time, her trust faltered for a fraction of a second. And that was all it took.

But when the second pre-chorus accurately described Katie and I's relationship, the tears began falling. It was cruel because all of it was true. I had let her indecision keep me up at night. I was tired. I still was unpacking everything she said and overanalysing it in every possible way.

Where else can we go?

Katie didn't trust me, and that broke my heart. There was only so much I could do; I couldn't alter the way her brain worked.

There's nothing left here to decode.

I felt deflated. Like there was nothing else I could do to gain Katie's trust back; it was becoming clearer that I might not ever gain it back. And I wasn't sure how to cope with that.

—

Another day passed, and I felt even worse if that was somehow possible. I was drained of all care in the world and simply didn't have the energy to do anything. I was mentally exhausted, which had taken a physical toll as well.

A soft knock on the door was followed by Wally appearing with a cup of tea, and I pulled myself into a sitting position as she entered and sat on the edge of the bed. I'd taken shelter in Leah's guest bedroom, and she told me I could stay for as long as I wanted, but I knew I couldn't stay here forever. Even if two of my closest friends were here most of the time.

Wally didn't speak for a while, the both of us sitting in a suffocating silence I didn't know how to escape. That night with Katie repeating in my head over and over to the point I was sure I'd gone insane. I blankly stared into my cup of tea, unable to really focus on anything around me.

"How are you feeling?" Wally's voice was softer than usual, and I knew she just wanted to make sure I was okay. But it felt like my world had collapsed and I had no way to rebuilding it.

"Shitty," I mumbled. "Everything hurts ten times more than I ever imagined it to." With that, I shuffled closer to Wally and rested my head on her shoulder. I felt utterly drained both mentally and physically, and I didn't know what to do with myself.

Wally rested her head against my own, and we sat in the quietness of the morning together without a word. Obviously there was a lot she wanted to ask me, and obviously there were things I wanted to tell her; neither of us acted on that, though. We didn't have to.

After a while my tea got cold, and I reached to set it on the nightstand beside me. "She doesn't trust me," I spoke softly. My heart was shattered; Wally and Leah left to deal with the broken pieces.

"What do you mean?"

"She doesn't trust me," I repeated. "I told her about Bayern, and she thought I had already planned on leaving." My voice faltered as I relayed what had happened two nights ago. A fresh wave of hurt and frustration with my own feelings washing over me. How could I still be utterly in love with someone who had just shot me in the heart? Why wasn't I angry?