Faulty Trust || Katie McCabe

15

When the final whistle blew, I fell to the ground, lying on my back with a huge sigh, covering my face with my arms. Listing every curse under my breath in English, German, and Swiss German.

"Up," Wally's voice appeared above me, and I removed my arms to look at her. She gave nothing away, but I know she was just as disappointed as I was about the last two matches.

It wasn't at all what we wanted, but we knew this group was going to be difficult. Though we'd just dug ourselves an impossible hole to get out of. If it was even possible.

I took her outstretched hand with a grunt and put on my best fake smile I could muster. Wally frowned, and I looked down at the boots; there was no point in hiding my emotions from her. She pulled me into a comforting hug that eased my mind for a fraction of a second before pulling away and reminding me we needed to thank fans.

This did put me in a slightly better mood, but it quickly fell when the thought that I'd failed them surfaced in my mind. It ate away at my confidence, bringing tears threatening to spill. But I wouldn't break, at least not here.

My mood stayed sour from the minute that whistle had blown all the way to now, where Wally and I boarded our flight back to England.

I hadn't said much, and she understood that; I needed time to process what the fuck went wrong and how to fix it. She did too, but she managed it better than I ever could. She didn't stop talking to everyone or isolate herself. And she didn't take her anger out on others either. I did.

I watched as the sun set outside the plane, hoping it would take my mind off the upsetting thoughts, but it didn't. So I closed my eyes and didn't open them until we landed and I had to get up.

Wally and I worked in silence, neither of us really in the best of moods. But when Leah came into our view, Wally's mood shifted, and a smile I hadn't seen in days appeared. My heart ached at the sight, wishing I had someone like that. I did, but I didn't.

My thoughts consumed me, blocking out the conversation Leah and Wally had for the entirety of the car ride back to my flat. I couldn't stop the maladaptive thoughts from creeping in. The ones telling me it was all my fault we'd lost both matches, that it was my fault I couldn't be loved.

They swirled in my head for the rest of the evening and into the next. Even as I got ready to go see the team for a night out, I wasn't at all in the right headspace. I wanted to drink until I didn't remember, and I planned on it. Finishing my very light makeup, I grabbed a light coat and headed for the door. Tonight I was going to get drunk.

—

Loud music hit me square in the face as I entered the club, blinking at the flashing lights as my eyes adjusted. I headed straight for the bar to get a drink before even attempting to find the team in this place.

I was unaware of Steph, who had appeared beside me as I downed the drink the bartender had just handed me. "Emely?"

I nearly jumped out of my seat. "Jesus Christ, Steph! You scared the shit out of me; you can't just appear like that!" My words were ruder than I intended them to be. Steph didn't deserve my displaced anger.

Shock flashed across her face for a moment, yet understanding appeared too. "Sorry," she paused, clearly thinking about her words. "I just wanted to let you know the team has the last three booths on the left closest to the bathroom."

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Frustrated with myself for not even being able to issue a deserved apology, I took another sip of my drink, only nodding at Steph's words.

She got the hint and gave me a smile that didn't reach her eyes before disappearing into the crowd. Closing my eyes, I begged the degrading thoughts in my head to vanish, but they didn't. So I ordered another drink and set out to find my team.