Faulty Trust || Katie McCabe

25

Days passed slower than usual.

I was beginning to feel like an empty shell, simply going through the motions and putting on a fake face to pretend everything was all okay. Honestly, it was more exhausting than I originally thought it was going to be.

The first day of break felt like an endless cycle I'd been sucked into over the past week. Usually, I thoroughly enjoyed winter break because I always had a Norway trip planned, I got to visit family, and I got to take a much-needed break. This year a mixture of things had made time away from football ten times worse. Maybe it was the broken collarbone I was dealing with, maybe I was just completely burnt out, maybe it was the constant stream of irrational thoughts flowing through my head ever since that damn phone call.

My head hadn't been completely screwed on straight since then, and I often found myself inducing silent panic attacks because I couldn't contain my thoughts at all. Fresh air helped; at least that's what I figured out, so I found myself walking to a quiet coffee shop in the early hours of the morning. Wally had agreed to meet me, and the surprise that I showed when she did had made her laugh. But at the same time, a feeling of dread had washed over me because I knew she could read me like I was made of glass.

Birds had begun their morning chatter within the trees as I walked down the quiet street; only a few cars passed here and there on this oddly slow Monday. I focused on the way my feet hit the ground in an event pattern; I let my arms sway back and forth slightly. The sling was now not needed, and thank God for that, but I still needed to be careful with it and focus on lots of band stretches and whatnot. The Arsenal physios had been lovely to work with over the past couple of weeks.

When I ducked into the cafe, I found Wally's eyes almost immediately. Knowing full well that I was going to make a joke about her being up clearly before I was, she spoke quickly. "I don't want to hear a word, Emely." Though a faint grin appeared on her face, I smiled in affection.

"Hey Wally," I pulled her into a hug I don't think I realised how much I actually needed. She didn't mention the way it lasted a bit longer than usual or the fact that I'd practically had a death grip on her sweater.

"Excited for break?" Her soft smile and kind eyes let all the tension melt away for a moment. We fell into easy conversation over a cup of coffee like we'd done numerous times. It felt like a break in the endless cycle I forced myself into, and I wished I hadn't.

The realisation had hit me when we stumbled into the topic of injuries, more specifically when Wally fell out of love with the game. My heart told me there was an underlying message to her words, but my head didn't want to listen. They continued to clash about and cause chaos within my head, making it impossible to not constantly feel exhausted.

Both of our coffees were cold now, yet we were deep in a conversation that had no end in sight. Wally had a way of doing that: dragging the conversation on, but not in a tiring way. More so in a way that made time feel slower because every chat I had with her always seemed to hold sentiment. I cherished the time I got to spend with my best friend; I truly did.

Finally, a lull had appeared as we watched a group of men burst through the door sporting a local football team jersey. I didn't recognise it, though, so maybe it was a grassroots team or simply a club they made on their own. But it brought a soft smile to my face; seeing people who were just as passionate as myself and my teammates about our sport was always a feel-good moment.

"Em," Wally's tone pulled my attention back, and I watched as the conflicted look shone through her neutrality. I folded my hands into my lap while straightening in my seat. The feeling of knowing where this was going grew inside of me faster than I wanted it to.