Faulty Trust || Katie McCabe

It's Always Messy

2013

Ever since mum told me we're moving to Switzerland, I tried to act normal around Katie. I tried my absolute hardest, but I realised that this wasn't going to work. I needed to let her hate me so I didn't hold her back from living her life. My mind had been made up, and nothing was going to change it. I didn't want to hold her back from her future because she was dating someone in a different country. We're young; we should live life. I know it was irrational and toxic of me to tear apart our relationship like this, but I thought it'd be better than breaking her heart because I was moving away.

So I changed. I started isolating myself; I started acting cold, not telling her anything and keeping her in the dark. And it was a knife to my heart each time, especially when tears began pricking the corner of her eyes. The vibrant blue had turned to a dull one, and she constantly looked tired. I wanted nothing more than to comfort her, but instead I didn't; instead I chose to let her suffer by herself. I knew Katie was the love I never wanted to let go of, but I needed to. For her sake. I had to let go.

For all of January, our relationship was on the rocks; she didn't want to let go. She wanted me to tell her what was going on, but I never did. She wanted to know why I was obviously hiding something, but I couldn't find the words or the heart to tell her every time. Words died at my lips when she'd push me to my absolute limits when we were alone. The constant fighting was breaking us down in equally terrible ways. People noticed, teammates, friends, family; neither of us let anyone interfere though. This was between us.

Katie was headstrong. I'd loved her for it.

She continued to fight for us when I didn't try at all, and it only destroyed her faster. I was doing irreversible damage to her ability to trust someone, and I was at fault. The worst part of it all was the way I'd hold her as she cried her eyes out after each argument. Both of us didn't want to fight, but I dragged it on, continuing to tear us apart because I didn't want to weigh her down. I didn't want her to feel tied to me since I'd be in a completely different country.

When January began coming to a close, Katie finally noticed as more and more boxes appeared in and around my house. I didn't have it in me to hide anything anymore; this move had been harder than I expected in so many different ways. Exactly a week before I was set to move is when she cornered me. It was after a particularly rough training session where I'd been tackled by her numerous times; I simply put up with it because I knew she was angry because of me. It was my fault.

I'd finished changing and began to collect my things when I felt a presence behind me. Turning, I realised it was Katie, and my face fell when I noticed her puffy eyes. Quickly though, my exterior hardened. I had a part to play.

"Hey Katie."

"You're moving." My eyes widened. "You're moving to fucking Switzerland, and you weren't going to tell me?" She was livid. I'd never seen her this angry. "Are you fucking serious? Is this why you've been acting so cold? You think pushing me away is for the better? Are you stupid? Did you think I wouldn't find out?"

I tried to form words, but nothing came out. I could only watch as Katie poured out her anger onto me, watching as it slowly decayed into disappointment and sadness.

"You've got to be mental if you think that's your best choice—to ice me out. Why didn't you tell me Emely? I would've understood; we could've figured something out. I can't lose you," her voice finally broke, and I wanted nothing more than to hold her in that moment. The disappointment and utter lack of fight struck a chord in me. But I realised when she pushed my arms away I might've lost the one thing I cared about; this might've been the biggest mistake of my teenage years.

"We could've spent this last month cherishing our final memories of playing together and being with each other. But you pushed me away emotionally; you tore us down mentally; you hurt me in so many ways. you tore us down mentally; you hurt me in so many ways. You made it harder than it had to be." My heart was breaking at each word that cut deeper and deeper. "I loved you, Emely; I still fucking love you. Even if you're the stupidest fucking person I know." Tears that were streaming down her face began streaming down mine; I'd fucked up big time. Why did I put such an irrational plan into my head and follow through with it?